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Get Your Spouse a Gift Card

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The economist says that the recession is over and that the housing market is stabilizing, but for most couples money is still tight. Couples are struggling trying to make ends meet while also trying to keep the romance going. How do you have date nights when there is no money left over after you have paid most of the bills? Somehow, there has to be a way to save money and relieve the couple’s financial stress so they can go out on date nights

Brew your own coffee

Ok I get it you have to have that caffeine fix in the morning. I personally don’t drink the stuff but I have my own vices so I won’t judge you. Why do you spend 5 bucks in the morning getting a caffe mocha latte something or other, or go to the other chain coffee bean store and get an iced this or that. By the way, 5 bucks is me saying that you are only drinking one cup a day (with or without a pastry) which most of you don’t do but for this example we will just go with that. So 5 bucks a day multiplied by 5 (work) days is 25 smackeroos a week. That’s $100 a month unless there are five weeks in that month, and then it’s more. Here is where you can make up some savings, by brewing your own coffee at home. Sure it might not be the high priced name that you pay for when you go out and buy it every morning, and it may not be scolding hot to the point where you want to sue them when you are driving and it spills on your lap, but it will get the job done. If you were to do this 3 times a week (because I don’t want you quitting cold turkey) you would save $15 a week or $60 a month. Take that savings and get your wife a gift card to a restaurant and have a date night. You may have to add a few bucks to the bill depending on where you go. But the point is you saved enough money to go out with your wife and have a pretty decent night. The reason I said get a gift card to a restaurant is because then you will have to spend it at that restaurant and not on a bill. This is a save your marriages romance type of tip so just go with it, but the key is that you use it with your spouse. Maybe once a month get her a gift card to one of her favorite stores so she can get something for herself. Now ladies, this gift card is for you and you only so don’t go dragging your man to the store messing up his 3 hours of sitting on the couch mindlessly watching TV while you are out enjoying yourself shopping (LOL i guess that would make it a gift for both of you).

Go make your man a sandwich

It seems like a lot of women in the 25 – 35 age group are too independent to be waiting on a man or just plain can’t cook, but if you are married and trying to save money you better learn or be able to make a really good sandwich for him. A man can spend anywhere from 6 – 10 dollars a day on lunch so we will take the average and say $8 a day is spent on lunch. Time for math class again. If you took $8 multiplied by 5 days that equals $40 a week spent buying food for lunch while at work. Now remember money is tight, but it doesn’t have to be that tight. Imagine if you cooked (or made a hell of a sandwich) and your husband could bring lunch to work 3 days out of the week. You could be saving $24 a week in lunch costs. So over a month that is almost $100 a month unless it’s leap year then you have to add 4 and divide by 22 (I just wanted to have some fun with some of my mathematically challenged readers so ignore that leap year part). If your man likes going to the movies, get him a gift card to the local movie theater for another date night or if you want to be completely giving, get him a gift card to Game Stop if he plays video games.

Just do something nice for each other

Now the examples above are interchangeable between man and woman so no nasty comments about women don’t need to cook for men or men saying my wife drinks more coffee than I do. Also, I am aware that groceries cost money and bringing lunch to work isn’t free, but it is still cheaper than buying it every day. The point to this article isn’t a man vs. woman or free lunch thing, it is a saving money thing. It’s funny how reading the coffee savings didn’t seem like a lot but when you add it to bringing your lunch to work you are saving almost $40 a week. Just by doing things at home like brewing coffee or bringing lunch to work the couple saves around $160 a month. Image if the husband and wife both drank coffee at home and brought lunch to work. Now, your savings has just doubled and you could do something nice for each other and save a little bit as well!!!
I will leave this article off with some additional things that couples could do to spend time out together that are still cost efficient:

• going to breakfast instead of dinner
• have an adult night out and just have appetizers
• getting up earlier on the weekends and going to matinee movies instead of the night showing

Well this should get you started and remember that you can add to your savings by working together and coming up with a REALISTIC budget that includes other cost saving tips similar to what is in this article.

Author: B.A.M

Top 10 reasons your “might as well” marriage may fail

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There are always signs that people in love choose to ignore before getting married. It is these same signs that come back to bite them after a couple of days, months, or years of marriage. But beyond that, a lot of marriages fail because of the “might as well” factor. Looking back these people know that they shouldn’t have gotten married or that they married for the wrong reasons. If you have any questions about whether you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with a person then don’t do it.

10. We will have two incomes once we are married so we might as well

Two incomes are great, but what is sometimes not taken into account is that there are two sets of bills also. Most people don’t take the time to think about what will happen if one person loses their job. If the love isn’t strong enough to weather the storm, then the marriage will be washed away in the flood

9. We have been together so long that we might as well

You have been together so long but you don’t really get along. You are just together because it’s familiar. One of you may have the thought that you two are toxic together but neither will say it and will continue to just go through the motions. Once you’re married breaking up and getting back together becomes a lot harder. If you don’t get along when not married you will continue to get on each other’s nerves once you are married until one person decides to call it quits.

8. You keep pressuring me so we might as well

Ok, you win, I will marry you. If you get married just because of peer pressure you are setting the precedence for how the marriage will be. You will continue to be run over and taken advantage of until you finally grow a spine and stand up for yourself. But, by that time, you have had enough and decide to end it. We’ve all heard it before; pressure burst pipes and after being pressured into marriage and then pressured during the marriage someone is going to blow.

7. He/She has money so we might as well

Money is one of the main reasons some people choose to get married, but it’s also one of the main reasons for divorce. If a person goes into the marriage with financial security as a main goal on their list, what will happen when the money is no longer there? What will they have if the person with the money has to stop working or loses a lot of their money in stocks or a failed business? What will there be to fall back on. Marriage should be about building a foundation and growing together in all aspects including finances. You can’t build a solid relationship based off of finances and FICA scores

6. I don’t have anyone else so I might as well ignore the do not do it signs

If you think for one second that a person will change based off of a wedding ceremony and party then you are absolutely crazy. One of the worst things you can do is believe you can change a person who doesn’t want to change. Once you say I do the other person will continue to do the same things that you didn’t like before you got married. Settling for the sake of being just married means you’re not strong enough to maintain a marriage. Be comfortable in your own skin before bringing someone else into your mess.

5. We already live together so we might as well

You are already living together in a bad relationship, or even if it is a good relationship if you’re both not ready then don’t do it. If the relationship is bad then you will just up the ante to a bad marriage. Living together does not equate to being married and sharing a household together. If you are only living together for necessity and not because it is something that you are trying to build together then your necessity marriage will probably fail.

4. I want to stay in the country so we might as well

Yes this still happens and I have witnessed it with a few co-workers. Whether you are here on a student visa or if an American met you in Dominica Republic if the relationship isn’t strong this one won’t work either. Now most people coming from other countries and they just want to stay here will make anyone believe they are the model husband/wife until their papers come in then it’s later for you. Or the person who is a citizen will always hold that over your head and continually threaten to divorce you so you will have to leave the country. A deceitful marriage will be full of just that and will always end badly.

3. The sex is good so we might as well

This is a common one where all problems are fixed with makeup sex. The issue with this one is people put too much weight on sex and not enough weight on Conversation, commonality, and love (not lust). People mistake good sex for a great relationship and once married when real couple issue pop up they don’t know how to handle them. Sex won’t take out the garbage or wash the dishes.

2. If we get married the cheating will stop

Once again, if you think for one second that a person will change based off of a wedding ceremony and party then you are absolutely crazy. I’m not saying people can’t change but I’m sure we all heard the saying once a cheater always a cheater. That is not necessarily true. After marriage when there is more to lose the former cheater becomes a more creative cheater. If you didn’t trust them before the marriage you won’t trust them after, and this will always be an issue. Without trust there is no real relationship.

And the number one reason your might as well marriage may fail is…. Yup you guessed it!!!

1. I got pregnant so we might as well

Adding a kid to the mix brings an entire new level of stress into a relationship. If you weren’t thinking about getting married before the pregnancy then why rush into it once you find out about being pregnant. Most of the time the relationship isn’t stable enough for the two of you and then once you bring a little one into the fold the relationship is often times doomed. Having a child will not fix what is wrong with your relationship; it will enhance the problems with it!!!

Author: B.A.M

Forgiving your Ex so you can move on with the Next

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There are a lot of reasons why relationships end.  The easiest to move on from is when the two of you just grew apart and decide to end it and still remain cool.  The two hardest to move on from, for some people are abuse (emotional and physical) and cheating.  These seem to become a never ending cycle or distrust and wall building that no significant other will put up with for long.  The only way to move on with your life and start new is to forgive your Ex so you and the Next can start with a clean slate.  lol how many people just sucked their teeth or rolled their eyes again?

I’m Single Because I Choose To Be

Now don’t get me wrong I know there are also those who are honest with themselves and admit that they are not ready for another relationship and take the time to heal and get back to finding and loving themselves. Sure there are times when you just got out of a relationship and decide you just want to chill or not be bothered.  But for the most part, when I hear woman and men say this, I know it’s a lie.

When you have been single for years but have been going on first and second dates but no further, it’s probably because the other people can see the problems you are still carrying around involving your Ex in those few times that you spent together.  You may not be aware of it but you could be carrying so much of your Ex’s baggage that there isn’t any room for a Next in your life.  It’s like you having a huge dresser filled with all the stuff from your Ex (betrayal, abuse, cheating), and your Next only gets half of a sock draw for them to put their love in.  Now let’s up the stakes here a little bit, instead of a dresser let’s take the same analogy and place it in your heart.  The Next doesn’t stand a chance because there isn’t enough room for them, and before you know it you find yourself single again.  Forgiving your Ex would empty out some of space that the Ex is currently occupying in you, making more room the Next and the new memories that you will build together.

Who You Have Become, Because Of Who You Were With

In the past you were abused physically, mentally or both so now you have on your armor.  You use to be a caring and loving soul and put your all into your relationship.  Now there are only small traces of who you use to be. You turned into a blunt, no nonsense, not taking any crap kind of person and you don’t ever want what happened to you with the Ex to happen again.  This is not who you really are, it is who you have become to try and stop an action that has not and may not have ever occurred again.

This is dangerous because you are so guarded and jaded that you can’t see the great Next in front of you.  You become so wrapped up fighting the monster behind you that can’t see the possibilities that the Next has to offer.  There are some people who will deal with this for a while.  Thinking that you will one day see them for who they are and not for the person you use to be with.  But that day will never come until you let go of the hurt from the past by forgiving your Ex so you can move forward with the Next and return to the old you.

Without Trust There Is No Relationship

A person coming out of a relationship where they have been cheated on numerous times is, in some ways, worse than the person who was abused to deal with.  This person is always “on”, looking for a signs of infidelity of any kind just so they can say “ah ha I caught you; no one will ever be able to do that to me again”.

Sidebar:  Let’s be honest people, social media jealousy is just plain stupid and immature.  All of the “why is that person always liking your post,” or “Why does that person always re-tweet your stuff?” Or  “Who is that person …?” I don’t even want to type anymore of that nonsense because stupidity like this is pissing me off as I type it, so I can only imagine the poor Next that is in this tragedy of a relationship with you.

The problem with this is if you are constantly looking for the bad you will miss a lot of the good that the Next is bringing to the table.  Stop creating issues where there are none before the Next just gives up on you and your foolishness. Enjoy the newness of the Next.  Allow you and the Next to grow instead of beating them over the head with your distrust over and over and over again.  You are not boxing you are in a relationship so let your guard down and just go with the flow.  Allow love to find its way back to you without having to dip and dodge your non trusting attempts of blocking it from reaching you.  Stop treating the Next like your Ex and allow them (the Next) to make their own mistakes.  Forgive your Ex so that you can once again begin to trust and enjoy what the Next has to offer.

I understand that forgiving your Ex sometimes isn’t the easiest thing to do.  Trust and believe the minute that you do there will be a sense of calmness that comes over you.  Like a ton of bricks have been removed from your chest allowing you to breathe again.  Take back the power that you are allowing the Ex to have over your future and concentrate your positive energy on you and the Next.

Author:  B.A.M

Name Brands Won’t Heal a Child’s Broken Heart

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In 2013 more and more parents are not emotionally equipped or responsible enough to raise their own children.  Children do not only need, but they yearn for the love and affection of their parents.  So many times parents let their kids down with their selfishness or negativity to the point where a kid will stop caring.  If you do not have an emotional connection with your kids, eventually the child will look for that connection elsewhere which will lead to bigger problems.  Raise your children with love and respect before someone in the streets fools them into thinking street love is the way to go.

You are not their friends you are their parents

Kids go through a bunch of friends in their life time and they don’t need you to be one of them.  Stop worrying about trying to be the cool parent and just be a parent. I saw a father in his early 30 with his teenage son and both of them had their pants hanging off of their butts showing their dirty draws.  What happened to setting the example for the kids?   Well there is really nothing else to say about that because this section title really says it all except grow up and be PARENTS and actually raise your children.

Children Raising Children

There are a lot of teenage parents out there that barely know how to wipe their own butts who now have the responsible for shaping the mindset of a child (this should scare everyone reading this with the way teenagers act in this day and age).  These parents are still selfish themselves and don’t have time to spend nurturing a child leaving this duty mostly to the worn down grandparents.  What these parents fail to understand is that once you have a child your life isn’t about you anymore.  Your life is now about raising the life you brought into this world.   Parents should concentrate on trying to keep the children on the right path instead of leading them to the same destruction that they are in.  Parents should encourage their kids to do well in school, but how can they, when a lot of parent thinks the teacher should be the only one teaching. Family time is a dying fad and on those rare occasions when the parent is home the TV is watching the children.  Television is a poor substitute for you time.   This lack of connection between the parent and the kids is the beginning of all the issues that will soon arise.  This is equivalent of building a house on a cracked foundation.  It’s not a matter of if the house will fall but when.

Daddy where are you

The role of the father is now being replaced with grandparents and the mother’s friends.  Fathers are supposed to be the strong support system for the kids, but a lot of times they are the missing fixture that the kids go looking for elsewhere when they get older.  For the fathers who are there, playing Madden or NBA live for hours while you’re supposed to be spending time with your kids is not the quality time that they are looking for.  Fathers have become so weak that kids eventually stop caring or respecting them.  Why would a child listen to you when you tell them to do something when you’re never around and the few times that you come around you treat them like crap.  Let’s not forget about the father who says he is selling drugs to feed his family and that a minimum wage job is not good enough for him.  It’s only a matter of time before this father is missing too.  Either the father gets killed or ends up in jail making less than if he would have just taken a job at a fast food restaurant.  So now your kid is fatherless and thinks that selling drugs is the way to go.  It’s a shame when the father and son or mother and daughter both end up in the same prison, but this happens more often than you think.  Fathers are supposed to be the load bearers who carry the weight of the family and show kids how to be strong and disciplined.  The issue here is the father was never shown how to be a man and isn’t strong enough to think for himself so he just keeps repeating the same ignorant cycle that he learned.

Parents aren’t what they used to be

Next you have the parent that cares more about becoming successful and making money that they forget about being there for the children.  Back in the day the father and son would go in the yard and throw the ball around. Now the father is too busy to go to the son’s game and if he is there his nose is in his phone or iPad sending emails or texts.  Back in the day the mother would teach her daughter how to cook.  Now the mother is too busy or can’t cook herself and can only show the daughter which button to push on the microwave.  Throwing the ball around and showing a kid how to cook wasn’t about the act, it was about the action of spending time together.  This is when parents and kids used to bond and share their love with one another.  Now parents think that buying the kid gifts is bonding.  Those $200 Jordan’s or expensive video games won’t replace the hole in their hearts from all of the parent-less days and nights that the kid spent wishing they were in your arms even if you were in the next room.  Material objects can’t comfort a love wanting soul.  Material objects won’t replace your standing ovation at their dance recital or play.  A parent’s presence and attention is worth more to a child than having the latest and greatest things.  Your money is not an equal replacement for your affection.  Parents affection is like the roof of a house and should be there at all time covering the children making them feel safe and secure.

Yeah parents aren’t what they used to be.  They are younger, selfish, missing, non-cooking, over worked individuals that their children still love in spite of all their wrong doing.  Parents please become the foundation and load bearing teachers that children need at an early age.  Also become the type of parents that cover them with affection so that they know what real love is and won’t fall victim to so called street love, or go looking for love in a scumbag.  Be an active participant in their lives and not only have fun with them but also be the disciplinarians that a child needs in order for them to grow up to be strong free thinking positive individuals.

Written By  B.A.M

 

Down On One Knee, Putting a String On the Ring Finger

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Being engaged is something that most women dream about from the time they are kids and the anticipation only gets stronger the older they get.  This anticipation grows exponentially once a woman hits her late 20’s and early 30s, and during this time more ideas pop into her little head.  If you ask a woman who isn’t married what her dress will look like, the venue, and what her ring will look like, most women will be able to give you specific details down to the design of the cake.  If a man got down on one knee and tied a string around your finger while asking you to marry him, y’all would look at him like he was crazy and may even break up with him.  And therein lies the problem!!!

Man from the past, woman from current day

A woman gets an engagement ring and the man and woman both get wedding bands.  I will point out the difference in his wedding band and hers is usually a couple of thousand dollars (we will get more in depth with this later).  For years and years little girls are programmed to think that the engagement and wedding day is all about them.  In reality this isn’t the case and is the start of a lot of the selfish mentality that society has in place today.  The engagement is about the two of you making moves to become one and the wedding day is about the two of you becoming one.  I wish women’s brains could get upgraded similar to how computer software gets upgrades.  This upgrade would remove the 1950 thought process that women have when it comes to engagements, weddings and finances.  Included in this upgrade would be the women spending 3 months salary on a man’s jewelry or whatever electronic gadget the man likes as an engagement gift to him.  Yeah yeah stop sucking your teeth and rolling your eyes.

Let’s think about this.

Back in the day when women stayed home and cooked, cleaned, and raise the children and the man worked, it was ok for the woman to get the more expensive rings while the man got the little band. I also may point out that there was less divorce and the kids were better mannered back then.  But now a day’s women work, make good salaries and are CEOs of companies and so on and so forth.  So why are we still stuck in the 50s with the engagement, wedding, and actual married life style. Women want a chivalrous man from back in the day but aren’t willing to do the stuff women did back then.  It seems like after the burning Bras burnt out so did the women taking care of the home and became the start of women’s selfishness.  Fast forward to today and there is too much emphasis placed on the misguided and media induced ideas of what engagements stands for instead of the focus being on the relationship.

Bigger isn’t always better

I’m willing to bet that more than a few of you read that section title and laughed, rolled your eyes, or thought something that I can’t write in the article but I digress (I like saying that so you will see a few articles on here with me digressing).  In this day and age people still have in their minds that a man should still be spending 3 months of his salary on a ring.  This thought process is dumb and is one of the reasons people are still in debt for years after getting married (that combined with the dream wedding, but we will get to that later).  Now if a man has it to spend then that is fine, stupid but fine.  But in most cases a man doesn’t have it to spend and should be putting that money on the bills that he racked up partying and vacationing with his boys and/or vacationing with the soon to be fiancée.  Now back to the point of this section.

Some women’s brains are wired to think that the bigger the ring, the bigger his love is for her.  This is one of the most absolutely stupid thoughts that a woman can have and if you thought that before you should go to counseling before you walk down that isle. Then there are the women who like to show off and only want the ring to be huge so that it makes their friends jealous or just show off in general.  This type of person always says hello to people doing the beauty pageant wave with her left hand.  Some woman would rather have a ring that is not the best clarity and VVS2 that is 1 1/2 carrot instead of a ring that is a half carrot, VVS1, C class and cost two – three times that of the other one.  This type woman is more concerned about what other people think and would rather have a ring that is bigger and cost less because people may think the smaller ring means he doesn’t care as much.

$50,000 dollar fantastic wedding and back to the apartment

Now onto the actual wedding and the idiotic thoughts that make up this day.  Why in the hell would you show off to a bunch of friends and family and make a great memory for everyone while wasting $50,000.  A smarter move would have been to use that 50K for a down payment for a house and have the wedding in your new home followed by a cookout.  How about just keeping it small and simple.  Once again, the issue here is people like to show off and try to out do what someone else has done.  Weddings are a worst financial decision than buying a new car.  At least with a car, it may lose its value but you can trade it in or sell it to get something new.  Well, I guess you can do that to with your spouse but this is a topic I will handle at a later date.

People, the size of the ring or the money you spend on your wedding do not equate to how much you love one another.  So, to put things in perspective, would you rather have a faithful man who put a string on your finger that is home and provides for you in all areas and loves you to no end or a man who put a $100,000 ring on your finger that has a wondering eye, cheats, and is never home.

Get your priorities straight people and remember when it comes to a ring or wedding all that is needed is the two of you and your love…

Author: B.A.M

Mrs Redds Advice to Woman – Don’t forget to be good to him

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I came across this video on Facebook and liked the information in it so much that I contacted the owner to ask if it would be ok for me to post this on BnCz.  As you can see she said yes with the message that she hopes that sharing the video helps someone.  Keep an open mind and actually listen to the gems that Mrs Redd is speaking.  You don’t have to agree with all of it but you will definitely learn something from her.   Please support this lady and check out some the other videos on her Youtube channel.

5 Course Child Support Meal and the Check Please

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5 Course Child Support Meal and the check please

Disclaimer:  I will be using woman as the person receiving the child support in this write up just because of the points that will be raised.  I know there are men on child support and some of the topics here will apply to them so please no complaining about me not being objective.

Menu:

appetizer – There’s a kid in my soup
palate cleanser – support Sorbet

Entree – Main support Course
desert – double dipped support cake
and to wind down a cup of – coffee or tea and the receipt

There’s a kid in my soup

As adults we all should know how babies are made, but what we cannot always be sure of is, if the relationship will work, if someone has cheated, or if the baby is really yours.  For those who aren’t really paying attention that last one was for the men.  There are many different ways for babies to become part of this crazy world that we live in so I will supply some examples because I thought about them when I decided to write this and had to put them somewhere:

1) A couple meets, courts, falls madly in love, each have great careers, they get married and have a bunch of great little children who never want for anything.

2) The second is a similar to # 1 but for some reason the couple divorces but the children still never want for anything and both parents get along and communicate when it comes to matters that involve the children, few and far between are like this

3) Next is a combination of 1 and 2 except one half of the great couple decided to partake in the delectable taste of the forbidden fruit (otherwise known as the side chick) and got caught.  Now this divorce becomes messy because feelings are involved.  Both parents cannot agree on how to raise their kids together and are always trying to one up the other by trying to win whatever imaginary battle is at hand that week.

4) Here we have the boyfriend and girlfriend that may have gotten too drunk one night and were not cautious enough and now they have a kid. Now this is tricky because depending on how the breakup goes they could be more like # 1 but if the situation that leads to the break up is more like # 3 then all hell breaks loose.

5) Then there is the juicy never happened relationship where the two participants met in a club and decided to go home and get it in but he forgot to pull it out.  Now with every day the kid is growing in her belly more doubt grows inside the man because if she would go home with him and do that who is to say she hasn’t taken anyone else home and done the same.  This one is the messiest one of them all because there was never a relationship and the doubt of what he thought would be a 1 hit and quit…

I will stop there even though I have others that may show up later but I just wanted to give you a few things to think about while you read the remainder of this little article.

Support Sorbet

It doesn’t matter which of the ways described above (or not described above) you have gotten here; by this point child support is needed.  What gets lost in all of the hoopla of the emotional break up is that child support is for the children and both parents have a responsibility to contribute to the child’s wellbeing.  Woman… Child Support is for the child hence the title is called CHILD support.  Child support is not for you to get your nails and hair done.  It’s not for you to take your new boo out to dinner.  It’s not for you and your girls to have a man bashing night out on the town. It’s not for… ok well I think you get the point now so I will stop there.

A lot of people seem to mistake child support with alimony (I really despise this one but we won’t talk about that here).  Alimony is for the woman to get on her feet and get a career if they didn’t have one after a divorce.  Child support is for what? (on the count of 3 ready 1…2…3) yes the CHILD.  Child support is for a small portion of rent/mortgage, a small portion of household bills, but mostly it’s for clothes, food, and entertainment for the child.  I suggest you look up your states website and get the paperwork explaining in details what child support pays for.

Now there are certain cases where I don’t think the man should have to pay child support.  Ladies fix your eyebrows and continue reading. One case is when a lady is in a relationship and cheats.  She ends up pregnant and doesn’t tell the man that there is a chance the baby isn’t his.  Somewhere down the line he finds out the possibility of the baby not being his and gets tested.  Low and behold the baby isn’t his and the couple breaks up.  But for some strange reason this man is stuck paying child support for a baby that isn’t his.  This is where the court fails men and makes them hate the entire system.  Another reason is a case I read wear a man and woman had protected sex and the man threw the protection in the garbage.  The lady went and got a turkey baster, went into the bathroom and took out the protected juice and impregnated herself.  Why would anyone go through all that trouble you may be asking?  Well the man was a ball player and now she doesn’t have to work another day in her life because he has to pay a boat load of money to this sneaky little trifling… ok I will end this subject here.

Main support Course

There are many factors that contribute to how much money is paid for child support.  Some couples come up with a payment plan and stick to it while other woman fight to try and get every penny the man has.  It is this lady who always wants to go back to court for an adjustment.  “Oh I heard you got a raise”, we going back to court.  “What you got a bonus”, we going back to court.  “Oh you got laid off, well too bad you still have to pay me”, this is where most men mess up and don’t take the lady back to court for an adjustment in their favor.  Men just like when you get a salary increase and the lady wants to take you back to court for an adjustment, you can take her back to court for and adjustment when your salary decreases.

One of the easiest things to do once you the kid arrives and the parents aren’t together anymore is come up with a court ordered settlement that outlines child support.  If both parents stick to this child support settlement and do what they need to do then there should be no problem.  But ladies sometimes get a little too big for their britches and want to tell the man what he is going to do.  “I’m going to have a party for the kid and you need to pay half”, or “the kid wants a new pair of sneakers and you got to buy them cause I bought the last pair”, or (now this is my favorite), “I buy all the kids clothes, shoes, food and you don’t do anything”… What women who say things like these need to remember is that the man sometimes is barely living and more than likely has no extra money to give especially if they need money for when the kid comes to them for visitation.  The other thing they always fail to remember is that the father actually paid for some of the stuff that she is asking for half the money for because child support covers all of that.

Fathers (well good fathers) may do things with their kids when they visit them and sometimes they will pick the kids up when it’s not their weekend and do things with them and they need money of their own for when the kid is with them.  You can’t take all of the man’s money because he needs to live and have money to be able to take care of the kid when it’s their time. Ladies if you have a good child father that does things with his kids, is there to support his kids mentally, physically, and emotionally and is on time with child support payments cut him some slack.  If you keep coming at him with an attitude and he is doing right it will make him not want to do anything extra.  A good father will work with you and may give or try to find a way to give you extra when needed if you come at him correctly.  You have to help him help you and having an attitude with a good father will do just the opposite.

Now if you have a real dead beat baby father and not one that you call a dead beat because he cheated on you. But one who does nothing for the kids, doesn’t spend any time with them, misses child support then by all means take him to court as much as you want.  But if you have a good baby father then don’t take it for granted and every now and then tell him you appreciate what he does (LOL I wish I could be there to see the look on some ladies faces once they read that last line).  I know he may be doing what he is supposed to do but the praise isn’t for that.  The praise and appreciation is for him dealing with your demands and not quitting, for dealing with your attitude and still being there, for dealing with your abuse and still doing what needs to be done for the child.

Double dipped support cake

Ladies child support is not considered your income.  You can’t claim it on your taxes and the father can’t write it off of his.  Therefore the sole person who should benefit from the child support is the child.  It’s not right for you to receive child support on time all the time and then when the kids want to do something that cost money you tell them ask your father.  Why should a child have to ask their father for money for something that he already gave you money to cover?  Oh by the way the mother that tells her kids “if your father won’t pay for it then you can’t do it” is a horrible human being who can’t separate her emotions from reality.   Keep the children out of grown folks business!!  You wouldn’t let your child do your taxes (I know I said this in another article) so why should it be the kids responsibility to talk to the father.  Besides the responsible father already gave you money and you should be adult enough to ASK him (not tell) or send the child to perform a guilt trip on him.  The responsible father will react better to a conversation than a demand.  And the conversation shouldn’t start with “look I wanna have a party for the kid and I need you to pay half of it).  The man who is doing everything in his power financially, mentally, and emotionally will look at this as double dipping on child support and rightfully so.  Ladies remember the man always has this thought in the back of his mind.  WHAT DID SHE DO WITH THE CHILD SUPPORT MONEY I GAVE HER?????

Now let’s fast forward a couple of years and let’s say you raise your kid’s right and the kid is 18 and goes out of state to college.

S/N both parents are supposed to pay for the kid to go to college!!

Now back to the discussion.  The kid is away at college and no longer living with the mother, can someone please explain to me why the mother still gets the child support.  I believe that the child support from then on out should go towards the college and a portion should go directly to an account for the college kid.  Enough with the double dipping!!!

Coffee or tea or receipt

The last thing that I would like to discuss in the article most women aren’t going to like.  I believe a woman should have to provide monthly receipts to the court (or father) as to what the child support paid for.  There are too many women saying that the child support doesn’t cover the child’s needs but they are constantly misappropriating the funds.  I said before that child support is not considered income and should be used for the children(s) needs.  If your kid is 3 yrs. old and your buying womans red bottom shoes with some of the money then that’s a problem.  If you come from the grocery store with groceries and a bottle of Remy Martin Louis xiii then that is a problem.  In my opinion child support should be put in an account with a check book and debit card or some kind of way to be monitored.  Yes abuse by a few means all should suffer.

Now I’m joking with some of the stuff you have read in this section but needless to say there needs to be some kind of accountability on the mother’s side.  Doing this would be proof and shut some men up who don’t pay enough which might make them step up and give a little more (I doubt it but we all can dream).  Or it will show the real fathers out there that they are no longer being taken advantage of and that MOST (no system is perfect) of their money is going towards expenses for the kids.

Author:  B.A.M

About BallnChainz

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BallnChainz (BnCz) was created to share thought provoking articles when it comes to different aspects of relationships.  I have been in very good relationships, pain staking horrible relationships, married, divorced, and married again.  Articles on this site will be written either from a woman’s or a mans point of view or a combination of both (this entirely depends on the subject).  Some articles will be written in a way to help the reader think outside of their situations or to help them see the role they played which led to their current problems.  While other articles will be written just to spark a healthy debate among readers.

Here at BnCz we will have healthy discussions on good and bad; relationships, marriages, and divorces.  Some other topics will be about co-parenting in the same house or separate, raising respectful children, relationship finances and so on and so forth. If anyone visiting this blog has something that they would like BnCz to write about just send a message with the topic or issue.  Because this site is brand spanking new please share the articles you read here with your friends and family on all social media to help get more people engaged in the topics.

All topics and articles written here are open to positive comments and any disrespect of any kind will not be tolerated.  We are not professional therapist, counselors, accountants, or lawyers and all information on this site is for entertainment purposes.  Please consult a professional for any real issues that you may have.

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Thank you

Yours, Mine, and Ours… The Family Smoothie

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Now a days there are a lot of families coming together in what is known as a blended family, but I like to refer to as a family smoothie.  Just like a smoothie it only takes one bad mix of fruit or juice to leave an awful taste in your mouth.  Blended families are becoming more and more common with the rise in the divorce rate, and having a step mom or dad seems to be the new normal.   Even if the parents can’t stand to be in the same room with one another after a divorce or breakup the parents need to put their differences aside and do what’s best for the child or children.  Just because you are exes and you don’t like him or he can’t stand you, doesn’t mean the children should suffer.  You have the choice of making the children yours, mine or ours.

I don’t have nothing to say to you…

One of the reasons that the parents are probably not together would be a lack of communication.  If the parents didn’t communicate when they were together how will they communicate while living in separate households?  This thought process is completely wrong and now that you are living in two separate households you have a lot to say to the other parent.  Texting and Emailing seem to be the communication of choice but is not always the best way to relay your concerns or message.  When it comes to the child/children parents need to go back to the old school way of communicating which is face to face or via a phone call. Parents can even do a face time but whatever way they choice to communicate about the wellbeing of the child needs to be done with voices and not data.  Parents, communication is the first ingredient needed and will be the base for the family smoothie

You disrespectful little…

By now we already established that you are not together or that you can’t stand each other but there is no need for disrespect.  Your children don’t need to see their parents fighting, arguing, or calling each other out of each other’s names.  The things you do now will have an effect on how your kids act in the future.  There is no reason that your kids should be more mature than you and have to tell the parents to stop arguing.  Shame on you if this has already happened but it is not too late for you.  Good communication is almost impossible if the parents are too busy yelling at each other.  Words get lost when voices get raised, which will only cause a misunderstanding of the points you each are trying to make.  If you take the time and become less defensive when talking to each other the conversations will become shorter and a resolution will be found without talking bad/down to the other parent.  Children are smart and pick up more things than parents realize, they are aware of who starts the arguments, or which parent needs to be put on a time out.  Without respect there will never be good communications and the kids will bear the brunt of having dumb immature parents.  Add respect as the second ingredient to the family smoothie for that enhanced taste.

 I can’t stand you…

Though in most broken families the parents are not even in the same library let alone the same book, they will eventually need to find a way to get on the same page when it concerns the kid(s).  Parents need to set their pettiness aside and do what is best for the children.  Sit down with one another or face time each other if you can’t stand to be in the same room as them and come up with a transition plan.  Make the break up look as seamless to the children as possible even if you hate the other parent.  Why should a child know that their father isn’t sh*t or that the mother is a gold digger.  Doing this puts unneeded pressure on the children and forces them to keep secrets or take sides.  Keep your opinion about the other parent away from the children.  Come up with a parenting plan.  If a child is on punishment at one house then they should be on punishment at the other house.  Children are sneaky, little conniving creatures who prey on unsuspecting parents who don’t communicate and they will eat the two of you alive if you’re not careful.  When a child knows that their punishment will carry across households and that one parent isn’t the fun parent then their behavior will change for the better.  Cohesiveness is the third ingredient that will sweeten the family smoothie like frozen yogurt.

You need to pay for…

Though child support is covered in an article that can be found by clicking this link [5 Course child support meal and the check please], I will say this about broken family finances.  Get a child support order in place and live with what the judge determines.  The problem some woman (only saying woman because more often than not they are the ones receiving child support) make is taking a good man who is living up to his responsibilities and who is there for his kids for granted.  You can’t keep threatening to take the other parent back to court if you feel he/she needs to pay for something for the child.  The biggest mistake that the person receiving child support does is telling a child “if your “other parent” won’t pay for it then you can’t do it” or “go ask your “other parent” for the money”.  You wouldn’t let your 9 year old do your taxes so why give them the responsibility of talking to the other parent about finances.  This is a subject that should be handled by the parents.  8 out of 10 times the other parent would be more willing to try to find a way to assist with financial matters if the person asking came to them with no demands or attitude.  You have to help them want to help you so starting your conversation with “you need to pay”, or “I have been paying for everything and you haven’t done anything financially for your kids”, or blah blah blah will not work.  Besides how quickly the other parent forgets that they are receiving child support (which should cover most things) and if the other parent doesn’t have extra to give when you want it, the only thing you can do is to accept it and not get an attitude.  Communicate upfront about finances, respect the other parent’s right to still have a life, and come together and discuss financial matters not covered by previous agreements.   I will leave this topic here and you will be able to read the rest in the child support article sometime in the future.  Add a sprinkle of financial togetherness to the family smoothie to give it that consistency

I don’t want your “fill in the blank” around my children.

Eventually your ex will start dating and for some reason you won’t like that person.  The reason you don’t like them usually has nothing to do with who they are as opposed to who they are with. Remember you are the ex and they are the NEXT that eventually may become the Step parent (time for another not so shameless plug, click this link to read [Forgiving your ex so you can move on with the next].   Now if they hurt your child then is understandable to not like them but if they are treating the children with respect and the children like them then who are you to stand in the way of that.  Your verbal dislike of the “next” does not go unnoticed by the kids.  In fact, it makes the situation for the kids confusing.  Your child may like the “next” but wants to stand by you so they show out when they are at your exes.  Or your child may not understand why every time they come home you hit them with the third degree “what did they do to you”, what did that “fill in the blank” say to you”,” they did what”.  As I stated before kids are not dumb and they will use this lack of togetherness to their advantage.  So do not, I repeat do not fly off the handle when a child tells you something because most of the time it may not be the complete story.  Instead go have a conversation with the ex and next then bring the child into the discussion and explain on both sides why you got upset but after talking to the ex and next and the child that it was a misunderstanding or whatever the resolution may be.  The key to this is to show the child you’re working as a team.  Once the children see they cannot divide the parents life will be easier.  Oh and once things start getting serious with a next and you are thinking about bringing them around the kids, the ex, the next, and yourself should come together and communicate respectfully.  The three of you should discuss the movements going forward coming up with a plan that shows the children togetherness that will not interrupt the consistency that is in place already.

To recap when you mix the following ingredients:

communication
with respect
cohesiveness
financial togetherness
and step next cherry on top

you will not only have a beautiful family smoothie.  You will also have a healthy one for the kids that does not include “yours” or “mine” but OURS!!!

Author:  B.A.M