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One Sided Faithful Marriage

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I know that most people who read the title will think that this article is only about someone cheating on their spouse.  That will not be the case here.  Yes, we will discuss cheaters, but what we’ll talk more about is a few examples of how faithful couples can make each other feel like they are in a “One Sided Faithful Marriage”

The Consistent Cheater

Ok, let’s get the obvious out of the way.  There are people who will constantly cheat on their spouse and after a while it seems like they don’t care about getting caught anymore.  This is the type of person who is so disrespectful that they will bring another woman or man to “cheat” with them in their own home.  The person who is being cheated on is in it for the long haul and keeps praying that their spouse will begin to act right and maybe one day they will, but until that day comes Mr. or Mrs. Faithful ends up feeling like they are in a “One Sided Faithful Marriage”.

How Can You Help If You Are Never Home

This section is devoted to the man in the marriage who claims to do so much for the family but is never home.  This delusional man will swear up and down that he is “pulling his weight,” but how can he, when he is not there.  This man will get mad when his wife brings it up to him and will have the nerve to say something stupid like “What, I just took out the garbage?”  In his mind that equates to 50/50, I guess math wasn’t his strong suit in school.

This type of man is always too tired to do family activities but will jump up off the couch and be out the door without his feet touching the floor to meet his buddy at the local watering hole (bar for the non-alcoholics).  There is always a game somewhere that he is meeting his friends to go see or some other social event that he just has to go to (sounds like a teenager whose world will fall apart if they can’t make the school dance).  Every time this non-family man is asked to do something the answer is always “I will do it later”, but when later comes around he is no longer home.  Even though he isn’t technically cheating, his wife is left feeling like she is in a “One Sided Faithful Marriage”.

Some Women No Longer Do Wifely Things

Ladies… I know you didn’t think that you were off the hook here!  Some of you can be more selfish and a lot worse than the men.  Some women are too busy trying to climb the corporate ladder that they lose the bond that they once had with their children.  The man has a career too but has learned to balance home and work life and will try to help his wife with this, but she thinks he is just jealous of her career.  What this type of woman doesn’t understand is that her “presence” is worth more than the “presents”.

In her mind her working long hours and never spending time with her kids is helping the family out.  Yes it may help out financially but what about emotionally?  The husband and children need you and would rather have a few less nice material things if you could sit down and watch a movie with them, do homework with the kids, or even eat dinner with them a few times a week.  The mother use to be the glue that held the family together, but now she is more like invisible ink; meaning that you may see her for a few seconds but then she disappears leaving the husband feeling like he is in a “One Sided Faithful Marriage”.

Oh, and I won’t even start talking about the shortage of women who no longer cook for their families.  Click on this link to read more about this [Fix Your Man a Sandwich]

In this article I touched on a few different ways that a so called “partner” could make their spouse feel like they are in a “One Sided Faithful Marriage”.  The gender in these examples can be switched based on the people involved so please no comments about ballnchainz being biased.  Being in a faithful marriage doesn’t just mean that you aren’t having an affair with another person.  The main point of this article is to show that an extra marital affair can be with your job or with the idea of being out and about in the mix of things.

Next time your friends ask you to meet them somewhere and you haven’t spent any quality time with your family, what are you going to do?  When 4:30pm comes around and you haven’t eaten dinner with your family all week, if it is a choice of finishing the assignment or going home to be with your family what will you do?  The choices that you make can either make or break your family, so choose wisely.

Playing Married but Acting Single

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One of the problems with today’s marriages is that people want to “PLAY” married when they are with their spouse, but want to “ACT” single when they are out with their friends.  Here is a little tip for these self proclaimed actors who will soon be single if they don’t change… How you carry yourself when your spouse is with you is how you should carry yourself when they are not…

Author:  B.A.M

Class doesn’t end when a child leaves school

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In this hustle and bustle world that we live in, a lot of parents CHOOSE not to make time to help their kids with their homework.  That’s right I said CHOOSE!!! As parents we have a duty to spend time with our kids and do whatever is necessary to help them become as successful as possible in the future.  When it comes to learning, it seems like a lot of parents and society forget that “class doesn’t end when a child leaves school.”

It’s the teacher’s job to teach them, not mine

It hurts me to the core every time I hear a parent say that “it is up to the teacher to teach” or “the teacher should have taught you that in school.”  Parents, if you have ever said either one of these then you need to reevaluate your entire thought process.  I say this because if you don’t recognize that you are the most important teacher in your children’s lives then you don’t deserve to watch them grow or take credit if they somehow become successful without your help. Yes, the teacher gives them the schoolwork and foundation on how to do the work but it’s up to you ,the parent, to drill the work ethic, proper study habits, and discipline into them.

Teaching isn’t just about school work.  Teaching is also about grooming respectful, appreciative, and fearful children.  Parents, the time you spend with your children shows them how they should act as an adult.  A lot of the problems that most children have today are that the adults that are supposed to show them the correct way are still acting like disrespectful children themselves. On top of that, children today don’t know how to properly express themselves and keep their feelings bottled up inside until it’s too late and they blow up.  Their parents are too busy dealing with their own BS to teach the kids the importance of how to communicate.

When the parent does take some time to communicate with their kids, they spend the entire time talking to them instead of having a conversation with them. Another issue that children have today is that they don’t have a sense of what a consequence is.  A lot of the times this problem exists because the parents were too busy trying to be their friend instead of teaching them right from wrong.

The jails are full of teenagers who weren’t disciplined as children that now have to be disciplined by judges and Correction Officers.  Most of this is because these immature or ignorant parents don’t realize that “class doesn’t end when a child leaves school” but also that teaching their children how to function as respectful people in society starts with them.

Society is forcing parents to raise a bunch of punks

Now let me start this section off by saying that it’s not just the parents that are failing our children, it’s also the school system and society that is making it hard for the good parents to take control of their kids. Society says it’s wrong for parents to discipline their children when they act up but say that it’s okay for police and judges to hand out discipline. Society wants to hold the parents responsible when the child becomes a criminal but took away the parents power which could have set the child on the correct path before the criminal acts got started.

Society is no longer “the village” that raises children, now society is a group of people that would rather video tape children doing wrong instead of correcting them.  Society took GOD out of school because a few were offended and now the schools have gone straight to Hell.  Schools use to be a place where all you worried about was if your children were prepared to take their tests but now you fear for their lives and want to send them to school in a bullet proof vest.

Schools have a “No Tolerance Rule” and say that it is to prevent bullying (a term which is misused and overused).  Calling someone “four eyes” because they wear glasses or “train tracks”  because they have braces is not bullying (teach your kids this simple comeback… hmm hmm repeat after me “YOUR MOTHER”).  That is called cracking or snapping, but make sure you tell your kids that if they reply with “YOUR MOTHER” the other person may want to fight them.  Bullying is when someone takes a kids lunch money every day.  Bullying is when someone threatens the smaller kids and torments them every day.  Bullying is when a group of kids join evil forces and pick, rob, or beat up the book smart but street dumb kids… but I digress.

The “No Tolerance Rule” pretty much states that if Bobby punches Jerry in the face and Jerry defends himself and punches Bobby back, then both Bobby and Jerry get suspended from school.  This rule (in my not so humble opinion) is teaching kids that “you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t” meaning that if you don’t fight back, you keep getting punched in the face and if you do protect yourself, you still get screwed by the school.  I have heard kids say that if they fight back then they will get in trouble.  The “No Tolerance Rule” is teaching good kids to become victims. Then on top of that you have schools fighting for state or federal money so the higher ups tie the teacher’s hands and make them teach the children only what is needed to pass the state tests.

The teaching is being removed from schools and is now being replaced with state test preparation.  All this does is put the children in poorer school zones farther behind then those schools in a more affluent area.  These kids are stuck in a never ending cycle of playing catch up that will continue all the way to college, if they are fortunate enough to get accepted to one.  There is little to no creativity left when it comes to teacher’s lesson plans due to no fault of their own but the impact of this on the student is exponential.

As parents and society we are failing our youth and need to get back to the basics by bringing back some of the “old school” discipline and teachings.  We need to continue to remind each other that “class doesn’t end when a child leaves school.”  We need to teach kids to positively express themselves and not hold things in until they bust.  If you won’t talk to your children about right and wrong and teach them that there are consequences for their actions, then eventually you will be paying a lawyer to speak on their behalf…

We would like to know your thoughts on this subject so please leave a comment with your feedback

 

 

 

10 simple hints for men to know they are about to be single

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Most people know when they are at the end of their rope and just going through the motions until it is the right time to break free.  Then there is the man who is riding the free wave of the relationship and constantly taking but never putting anything positive into the relationship.  I am all about trying to work a relationship out and not giving in until you have exhausted all the possibilities, but when you are stuck with a loser that is bringing you down, has cheated on you numerous times and refuses to change, here are some ways that will let him know that he is about to be single.

10.  She talks bad about you on the phone, while in the same room as you like you’re not even there.  Friend: “What are you doing girl”  Her: “What am I doing,  nothing just sitting here wishing this idiot would get out of my face, go somewhere and never come back”

9.    When you call her on the phone the call always goes straight to voice mail and when you call from a number she doesn’t know and she quickly recognizes your voice, she makes up an excuse to get off the phone before you can say another word after “hey babe”

8.    When you send her a text message you never get a response and when you ask her about it you get this same response “I was driving when you text me and that is illegal” even though you have witnessed her putting makeup on with their left hand, texting with their right hand and driving with her knee all at the same time on numerous occasions.

7.    You hear her talking on the phone about a movie that you told her looked good and that you wanted to take her to see a few days ago.  Then when you ask her about it she say something like “oh I thought you said I should go see that so I took my friend and you were right it was good”

6.    She falls asleep on the couch almost every night with the exception of you falling asleep on the couch, then she gets in the bed.

5.    She get home from work at 6, sit in the car until 7:30, then gets mad when you ask what took her so long to come in the house she responds with something like “what you keeping tabs on me for, you aren’t my father, just mind your own business and worry about you.

4.    She volunteers to work overtime at her job but you know she doesn’t like her job and she can’t stand her co-workers.  What this clueless idiot is oblivious to is the fact that she would rather stay with people she can’t stand to be around at a job she doesn’t like rather than spend time with the person she is supposed to be in a relationship.  This idiot will say something like “OK get that money babe…”

3.    She hasn’t had sex with you in months because her head is always hurting and when it’s not her head it’s her time of the month. (pretty much self-explanatory)

2.    Money starts disappearing out of your joint account and when you ask her about it she says she is going through some things and had to go on a shopping spree to make herself feel better, but, you never saw any bags come in or anything delivered to the house.  What you did see is a bank statement from some other bank in her name only that you didn’t know she had.

Now if the man is too stupid to realize after all of this that the relationship is over, here is a sure fire way for him to know…

1.   You come home to an empty house.  I mean everything is gone except his clothes, the raggedy pull out sofa and a note that says “since you are too stupid to recognize the signs I wrote you this note to let you know that I’m breaking up with you and moving out”.

Author: B.A.M

There is Life After Divorce

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Though no one gets married with the expectation of getting divorced, it happens and it hurts.  Some people will hold onto the hurt and live miserably or just give up on love, while others will do the things necessary to get themselves together and move on.  As a divorced person who chose to move on and live a better life, I’m writing this article to let you know that there is life after divorce.

If you’re reading this and your divorce is still ongoing click this link to read the article “Divorce is only ugly if you make it that way”.

Divorce isn’t fair for anyone involved

The divorce is over and the two of you have to learn to live separate lives.  At this point it doesn’t matter who did what to whom or why.  All that matters is that you can manage your hurt so that you can function as you use to (it took a little while for me to learn this).  The world doesn’t stop because you got divorced and now the most important thing that you can do is come up with a plan on how you are going to PRODUCTIVELY move on.

Don’t go out wasting your time trying to ruin your Ex’s life, because, all of the negativity that you are putting out towards them will just come back into your life.  Instead go out and better yourself because like they say “the best revenge on an ex is to succeed without them”.  You will never have a life after divorce if your emotions are stuck hating your ex.

Why waste time hating someone you’re no longer with

I know so many men and women who cannot stand the sight of their ex and will have a complete change in attitude if they are in the same place as them.  If they get a single glimpse of someone who looks like their ex, then their entire day/night is ruined.  Why would you give up your happiness just because a person that you are no longer with steps into the same party/place as you?

You are in charge of you and your emotions and when you let the sight of an ex change your mood then you are relinquishing the power of your emotions to them.  You are so stuck on the past that you are letting someone you are no longer with to hold you back.  One of the dumbest things that most people do after a divorce is forget that there is life after divorce and if you can forgive your ex you will be able to move forward (This is another article that we have written, click this link “Forgiving your ex so you can move on with your next” to read more).

I’m never getting married again

After my divorce I just knew that I was going to end up as the “old person in the club” because I was not only dead set on not getting married again but I wasn’t even trying to have a relationship (I tried right after the marriage and when that didn’t work I was done).  I was on a break from anything that could remotely turn into something that resembled a relationship.  I would go out with people and once the “R” word (relationship for those who can’t follow) came up, just like Usain Bolt when the gun goes off… I was out.  I wasn’t just a sprinter, I was also a long distance runner and I ran for a while, and was just focusing on working, chilling, and being just happy with me.

I was pretty successful at my job and aged pretty good so I was getting a lot of attention from people of the opposite sex (who have been recently divorce or never married) but I just didn’t want to be bothered.  I wasn’t bitter or mad I really just didn’t want to be bothered with a relationship so I kept running.  After years of running and running from one person to the next, just like Forrest Gump I just stopped and decided it was time to stop running and get back to the person that I was.

I sat down with a friend of mine and when they asked if I was still against relationships I said if it happens then it happens but I’m not going out looking for one.  Then I met someone and started spending more time with them.  A year or so later I sat down with the same friend and they said “things seem to be getting serious would you ever marry them”.  I gave the same response and said if it happens then it happens but I’m not actively thinking about it.  Fast forward six months and I was not only enjoying life after divorce, but I was once again married but this time happily.

Being divorced may have its challenges but, if you’re willing to get out of your own way, things may work out for you.  I’m not saying that you won’t have any other bad relationships but, if you go about things wisely and pay attention to the signs that people are inadvertently showing you, then you will be fine.  There is life after divorce if you’re open to accepting the good heart that may come your way.

Author: B.A.M

So What She Makes More Money Than You

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There are a lot of men who have a problem if their wife/significant other are more successful and are making more money than they are.  I don’t know if the issue is that they were coddled for way too long, which caused a delay in their maturity, or if they just have very low self-esteem.  Regardless of how they got to this mindset, I want to say to these men, so what she makes more money than you… Get over it!!!

To see the counterpart to this article click this link called Fix Your Man a Sandwich to open the article on this site.

So what I make more money than you

I know many women who are successful in their careers but struggle in their personal life due to no mistake of their own.  The men that they meet seem to get so hung up on the fact that their lady makes more money than they do, that the relationship gets stuck in a continuous loop of doubt in the man’s head.  I could see it if these ladies were throwing this fact around in their man’s face, but, in these relationships that is not the case.  These guys are the ones who still live in the past where women are supposed to cook the bacon that the man brings home.

Fellas, you have a lady who loves you and is trying to build a life with you, but you are willing to flush a great relationship down the toilet because your ego is bigger than your paycheck.  You have to be some kind of special stupid that you’re stuck on the fact that your lady is more successful than you, even though she keeps telling you that she is with you and all the great things you have to offer, not your job.  These ladies are all about “team us” and tell their man that there is no me or you there is only us.  She doesn’t care that she makes more money than you and gets tired of having to always reassure your pea sized brain that you contribute to the house hold in other ways.  The problem is that this immature man is so self-conscious of this that he will continue to emasculate himself time and time again because of his self-doubt.  Grow up, grow a pair, and recognize the great woman that you have, before you end up stuck with a selfish woman on your pay scale (LOL that actually made me laugh while typing that one).

Immature man and selfless woman

I’m not sure how this continues to happen, but I see a lot of women who have their stuff together that end up with these men who still think they should be taken care of.  Now sometimes this is strategic in the fact that the man is looking for a sugar mama, though he may love her he loves the possibility of the security that she has to offer more.  I’m not talking about these so called con men.  I’m talking about the immature man who wants to move in with his lady just so he doesn’t have the full responsibility of taking care of himself.  This bum is mooching off of his lady but still egotistical enough to throw the fact that she makes more money than him, back in her face.

It is these types of men who make it hard for the good men out there.  This type of guy will treat his lady so bad just to make himself feel better about his situation. While he is busy trying to prove that he is “The MAN”, his lady becomes “relationship scared” which may eventually lead to her becoming one of those selfish women out there, but for now she is with you, so I digress.   A Man (and I use that word very loosely) like you are the true definition of a “scrub” (thanks TLC) and will do just enough to keep his meal ticket safe, oblivious to the fact that he is acting like a scared little boy with a napoleon complex.  This joker needs to grow up and learn to appreciate the woman he has and try to become a person who can function in a world outside the immature little Lego land that he has created in his head.

Get off the couch and do something productive

Lastly, we have the under achievers that come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t get a better job or why they can’t help out more at home, but will still find time to browbeat their lady to make themselves feel more important.  Their lady tries to encourage them to do better, and tries to support them but, these guys have the nerve to try and make her feel guilty by saying things like “I’m sorry I can’t help pay more bills because I don’t have a fancy job like you” or “I couldn’t afford to go to school”.  No, the truth is that you’re lazy and you chose not to better yourself and hopefully it’s only a matter of time before she leaves you.

I never understood how men could sit on the couch for hours on end playing video games and then complain that they can’t get ahead in the real world.  Put down the game controller and pick up a book in the field that you would like to work in.  Instead of spending hours on Facebook or looking at fight videos on the internet, why don’t you take a “How to make money on the internet training course”?  Start taking steps to do something to better yourself!

If you have a woman who makes more money than you, accepts you for who you are and everything that you bring to the table, get off your pity train and stop complaining about her accomplishments because it makes you feel less than a man (I don’t know why but it does).  If you are so distraught with the fact that she makes more money than you (even though it doesn’t matter to her) then stop complaining and do something about it.  There are too many resources out there and you have absolutely no excuse for not improving yourself to help increase your income.

Ladies, if you are with a man like any of the ones mentioned in this article who are not willing to change, I want to leave you with this don’t change who you are, just change who you are with.

Author: B.A.M

Fix Your Man a Sandwich

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Years ago when women took care of the home and men went to work to make the money that kept the lights on, life was so much simpler.  Everyone knew their roles, each person handled their business, and marriages lasted forever.  When did society get so twisted that a woman feels that it is an insult to cook for a man?  Fast forward about 50 years and a lot of women are not only refusing to take care of the home, but there are some who won’t do something as simple as fixing their man a sandwich.

Disclaimer:  ladies please don’t complain about this being a one sided article because that is exactly what it is.  We also wrote an article on these lazy, immature, selfish men that are out there as well that can be found on this site or by clicking this link So what she makes more money than you.

Chivalrous man and selfish woman

I have heard friends talk about going out on first dates and the woman expected the man to open the car door, restaurant door, and pay for the entire date because they were the man.  While on that same date the woman divulges that she doesn’t like to cook or clean.  Some ladies went as far as to say that any man that marries them will just have to accept the fact that they won’t be cooking and that they will have to hire a maid to clean because she won’t be doing that either.  How can you in your right mind even make your lips up to form that stupid sentence and say it with a straight face? It is people like this that make it hard for good woman out there.

It is these types of ladies that say that there are no good men out there.  Now how can I say this nicely…?  No stupid, the problem is that you scare the good men off with your selfishness and laziness.  How can you say that you expect men to do the things “that men use to do”, when you are not willing to do the things “that women use to do” to get/keep a man.   For those of you who were lucky enough to get a man to marry you, if you don’t change he will get tired of your selfishness too and you will be divorced soon.  I know that somewhere there are a few ladies reading this rolling their eyes and that want to stop reading because they think I am talking about them.  Well guess what, I am talking to you and your selfish, going to be single forever, and too lazy to fix your man a sandwich self.

I make more money than you so do what I say 

Now let’s talk about the “career women” who are too busy for relationships because they are trying to prove to their male counterparts that they are just as good as them.  These ladies take on the male hardness/brashness and think that they don’t have a man because men are intimidated by them.  The real reason you don’t have a man is because you act like a jerk and talk down to the men who make less money than you do.  You throw your money around at men your dating like you’re a rapper in a strip club and then when the man drops your successful butt you claim that he couldn’t handle your success.  Just because you make more money than your spouse doesn’t mean that you are above fixing your man a sandwich.  You shouldn’t be so focused on your career that your home life takes the back seat or even worst doesn’t exist.

I know plenty of women who are successful in their companies and maintain their “softness” while still finding time to take care of the home (I’m not talking about you) and treat their man like a man.  I’m talking about the women who feel that because they make more money than their spouse that they are better than them.  A man who makes more money than his wife is no better than her, just as a woman who makes more money than her husband is no better than her man.  Remember, I’m not talking about the ability to buy material things.  What I am talking about is the roles that each of you play in the relationship and your attitude towards the importance of your spouse’s roles.

Neither of you is more important than the other

Ideally a relationship should be 100/100 and each person should treat the other with respect.  If one person likes to cook then the other should clean the kitchen.  If you get home first or have the day off don’t wait for the other person to get home so they can start cooking.  You get your butt in the kitchen and start dinner so that it’s ready when your spouse gets home.  And for those ladies who don’t cook, the least you can do is get in that kitchen and fix your man a sandwich and have it waiting for him when he gets home.  Trust me when I say that this little gesture will go a long way and make him feel appreciated.

Your relationship will only be as hard as the two of you make it.  If you treat each other with respect and communicate when the other is slacking in whatever area, things won’t reach the point of no return.  Sit down and discuss the importance of each other and let them know that you appreciate them and all that they do and life will be so much simpler.  Remember the little things that you won’t do, somewhere there is a lady that is more than willing to do.

I will stop this article here and will discuss the problem with these immature men in my next article.  While you’re on this blog  (time for a not so shameless plug of a video that I found on YouTube) please take a look at the video under the video tab on this site called Mrs. Redds advice for woman called  How to Keep a Man and listen the great words of wisdom that she is speaking.

Author: B.A.M

 

Waiting on a relationship that may never happen

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When it comes to chasing love, sometimes common sense gets thrown out of the window and people who are normally rational become just the opposite.  Is it desperation, the belief that people are all good, or the need to feel wanted that make humans believe some of the craziest lies ever told to cover the other person’s cheating.  Know your worth and stick to your standards so that you won’t end up waiting on a relationship that may never happen.

I can’t leave because of financial reasons

We have all known people who have said something like this or who have had something like this said to them only to find out that most of the times this is the base to the house of lies that is being built.  Even though you don’t truly believe this you go with it anyway because they make you feel wanted, seeming to not care about the day you find out the truth and your heart gets crushed yet again. How wanted are you going to feel when the holidays come around and you’re spending it without your part-time lover?

Why any person would put up with this type of bull for even a second is beyond me.  If they are telling the truth, then there is a paper trail of some kind somewhere and a simple solution would be to ask to see the paperwork (along with the fake explanation they already gave you) that proves that they are “stuck” staying in the same house with their supposed ex. If they can’t show you anything, then you have your answer and if they do show you something then it’s up to you to decide how long you want to remain waiting on a relationship that may never happen.

I’m sleeping on the couch

Oh yeah, here is one of the most believed non-believable cheating excuses ever told.  Don’t get me wrong, I know a few people who have actually been in a situation where their soon to be ex wouldn’t leave and was actually the one sleeping on the couch until the court date.  Just like the “I can’t leave because of financial reasons” excuse, there should be a paper trail or a notice of a court date that would validate their statement.  The easiest thing to do is to walk away and tell the other person to call you once their raggedy situation is over and either they or their “soon to be ex” moves out, but for some reason more people would stay and put up with this than leave.

There are too many people in the world for you to sit around waiting on a person to get out of their messy situation.  While you’re waiting on a relationship that may never happen you could be missing out on a great relationship with someone who is fully available now.  Stop letting the “couch sleeper” manipulate your time while you’re left missing out on all the good that you could be living without them.

I can’t leave because of my kid(s)

I never understood why some people would actually waste their time with a person once those words dripped from their lips.  Let’s say that their kid is 5, are you going to continue waiting on a relationship that may never happen for another 13 years.  Come on people let’s use some common sense here.  Whoever gets caught up with a person who says this, is only asking to get hurt.  Instead of taking all of the hurt, punishment and heart ache over the life of this part time relationship just tell the other person to punch you in the face right then and there so you get all your hurt up front and have a reason to walk away from the start.

With that being said, I’m not even going to waste my time writing something on the “I’m leaving my spouse but, it’s complicated and going to take some time” lie.  The only thing I will say is if you fall for this then you deserve to get your heart stomped on!  [This is a great place for a shameless plug of similar article written on this subject called – Stop Chasing Hearts That Don’t Want To Be Caught]

I never understood why people would deal with or can’t see a lie like this at face value. Why give the benefit of the doubt to someone because they have a great job, money, or even you can see yourself with them.  But, I’m not here to judge you or make you feel bad if you are currently going through something like this.  What I am here to do is have you take a good look at what you’re going through and to have you think about the most logical outcome, so if you’re currently waiting on a relationship that may never happen I want to leave you with this question.  How long are you willing to put up with a part-time relationship and continue to look like a full-time fool?

Author: B.A.M

Divorce is only ugly if you make it that way

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Even though most people don’t get married with the intention of getting divorced years later, it seems like more and more of the couples I know are getting divorced every year.  I have had so many people tell me that they are in the process of going through a divorce, thinking about filing for divorce, or celebrating the finalization of their divorce.  Divorce is a big money business and few people are smart enough to leave their emotions out of it, sit down with each other and come up with their own divorce decree.  Most adults aren’t that mature and will do things just to spite the other person or fight for everything because they feel they have been wronged. In this article there is an example of how some divorces happen and another example of the emotional stupidity that people getting divorced go through that can waste a very large sum of money.   Divorce is not always a good thing, but divorce is only ugly if you make it that way.

The kids are gone now what

If you’re in your late 30’s or early 40’s you have seen an insane amount of high school and college sweethearts that “back in the day” everyone thought would be together forever. Then years later you hear through the grapevine that they are getting divorced.  One of the main reasons that I think this is happening is because they have gotten lost in their marriage and no longer know who they are, what they want, or how to love their spouse the way they use to. The two continued to drift farther and farther apart until they can’t see or hear what the other is saying even though they are still in the same house.

Once couples begin to have kids some parents lose track of themselves and forget the happiness they had during the pre-kid years.  Everything becomes about the child and the parents stop doing the things that they used to do to make each other happy.  After years of this, it becomes apparent that things will eventually not end well if changes and efforts aren’t made to rekindle the fire that they once had.  Couples get so lost in their kids that once the kids move out or goes to college they feel they have nothing left in the relationship. By the way, staying together for the kids is stupid.  The kids see your animosity towards each other so the only people you are fooling are yourselves… but I digress (told you before I like saying that)…  Now you’re in a house that hasn’t had love between the two of you for years and since the kids are gone you think you don’t have any reason to stay and thus comes the divorce thoughts.

Getting divorced is taking the easy way out and means that you just don’t want to put the work in to regain what has been lost (keep in mind that we are not talking about abuse or cheating cases). The kids are gone and now you have a fresh start and could start dating again to resurrect the lost love.  Now if both parents are not willing to put the work in to save the marriage and this does lead to divorce, I hope both of you can be smart and fair while dissolving the marriage. Remember divorce is only ugly if you make it that way.

You just spent $700 for a $30 toaster

I don’t care who cheated, who spent all the money, who did this, that or any other reason that you are getting divorced.  Once you decide that you are going to terminate the marriage and lawyers have been contacted (or you decide to sit down with each other and come up with your own agreement) the goal should be to end the marriage as soon as possible without all the drama and money being thrown out of the window.  But as I stated before most adults are not mature enough to do that so you end up wasting a bunch of time and money fighting over crap that you don’t want just because one or both of you are playing emotional divorce games.

The two of you will spend an hour with both of your lawyers arguing over who gets to keep something as stupid as a toaster.  Now your lawyers are getting paid between $300 and $400 an hour so we will just take the average and go with $350.  Neither of you wants to give in because you are too emotionally attached/invested.  No not attached to the toaster but emotionally attached to being stupid and stubborn while trying to beat the other person.  With every drop of spiteful emotions you gain, you lose 10 drops of common sense.  For God’s sake just give up the toaster (or whatever other dumb thing you’re fighting over) and move on to what’s important like your kids or house if you have one [This is a great place to plug the BallnChainz article 5 Course child support meal and a receipt please ].  In a perfect world I think the law should be that once you start going through the divorce you should have an estate sale to get rid of everything with the exception of big ticket items/appliances and the proceeds should be split evenly.

There are a lot of reasons for getting divorced and a whole lot more ways of wasting money on legal bills that will continue to add up quickly if the two of you continue to fight over every single thing.  We are not trying to write a book on this subject so we will touch on some other areas of divorce in later articles.  Hopefully with a little time and effort  a marriage can be saved, but in the cases where they can’t be please remember that divorce is only ugly if you make it that way.

Author: B.A.M

Treat Your Marriage Like a Business

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When you’re getting ready to spend the rest of your life with someone, it seems that people are hesitant to ask the one they love the tough questions.  You wouldn’t start a business venture with a company/person without knowing the ends and outs of their financial, ethical, and past history.  So why would you enter into a lifelong union without finding out the same about the one you love.  Treat your marriage like a business and eliminate some of the possible future issues by knowing what you are signing up for.  In this article, we will only be discussing a few key financial/joint financial points that we have had or know others who have had issues with in the past.

What is your credit score

Not only do you need to know your credit score, but, you also need to know the credit score of the one you plan on marrying.  You also need to find out if their bad credit score is from being young and dumb or if this is recent stupidity.  Recent stupidity is like trying to teach an old dog a new trick.  It will take some time, patience and a lot of discussions to break them out of their bad spending/financial habits.  Knowing this information upfront gives you good insight into possible financial problems or highlights some of their possible spending issues.

This should be the start of a good financial discussion on how to repair credit, how much you want to save, whether or not to have a joint bank account, how you each like to pay bills, and so on and so forth.  There should be no surprises once you’re married.  All of your bills should be laid out so each one of you will know what amount of debt you are about to acquire and if possible pay off before getting married.  Financial issues are one of the reasons for divorce, so treating your marriage like a business will possibly eliminate this future issue because you would have already done your research and set the expectation on how the two of you will handle martial finances.

The two of you need to decide about joint and personal accounts and how much goes into each, out of your paychecks.  I know some people who each one of them put an agreed upon amount into the joint account to cover the bills and have a little cushion left over while most of their money stays in their personal accounts.  I know some others that do the opposite and put most of their pay check into their joint account and they give themselves a personal allowance each check of $200 – $500 (or whatever they agree on for personal entertainment, eating out, etc…).  Let’s say you two agree to the second example and you run out of money before being paid again.  You have to accept that you messed up and that is on you.  You will need to discuss with your spouse taking a “Loan” (yes I said loan because it is not your money it is now household money) out of the joint account and how you will pay it back.  Either of these ways or any other is good as long as you both stick to what you agree to and have a contingency plan in place for cases of overspending or unforeseen issues that may pop up.

Treat your joint credit card like a corporate card

Now that you are married and joint credit cards and debit cards are appearing in the mail every day, there needs to be a discussion about which cards to accept and which ones to rip up.  Along with this discussion needs to be a serious talk about putting a cap on how much each person can charge and what the spending limit will be before you have to consult your partnerYes I said a cap on spending your own money!  For those of us who have had corporate cards and have gone on business trips, you have a certain daily budget that you’re not allowed to go over before you get in trouble.  Well guess what, in marriage there needs to be the same thing and treating your marriage like a business will help with this.

For example, if you have had a discussion and decided that each of you have a free spending limit of $500 (out of the joint account for household purchases) before having to consult your spouse and what you want to buy cost $505.  Your thought should be “this is over our agreed upon spending limit, let me make a call and let my other half know what’s going on and if it is ok with them then I will get it”.  But most people when faced with this will think “it’s only five dollars I’m getting it” Now you have just lost financial trust over $5.  It’s not the $5 that is important it’s the trust that you will lose for not living up to the agreements that you two have made.

Now fast forward a day or two your spouse is online and sees a purchase for $505 and asks you about it and you decide to get an attitude.  You flip out and come back with I will just put the five bucks back into the account out of my own money.  This does not make what you did acceptable.  What would have been acceptable would have been to call your significant other and say hey I’m about to buy xyz that cost $505 out of the joint account for the house, I will put the extra $5 back into the account from my own money.  More than likely your spouse will say don’t worry about it just go ahead and get it.  But that is because you included them in the decision making process.

I know that most people read the title and thought that treating your marriage like a business is insensitive, unromantic, and not sexy at all.  But I want to ask you this; why do you follow your company’s financial policies but won’t make or follow one for the financial betterment (yes that is actually a word in the dictionary, but you all know if it wasn’t I was going to use it anyway) of you and your spouse.  Treating your marriage like a business is just a way of opening the lines of communication as well as laying out a financial plan that will allow the two of you to come up with solutions to the tough questions/issues before they have a chance to rear their ugly heads.

Author: B.A.M