Home Blog Page 2

Feelings of Being the Noncustodial Parent

6

There is nothing more pleasant than hearing the laughter and sometimes even the arguing of children in the house. The joy of having your children in the house with you is often times overlooked or under appreciated by those parents who don’t spend a lot of quality time with their family. All of that joy comes crashing down when the couple breaks up and the parent who was most involved with raising the children now becomes the “Noncustodial Parent.”

Quick Rant on the Children’s Court

When couple’s divorce, why does the court side with the mother 99% of the time? Even if the father was the primary caregiver during the marriage it will have no bearing on the custody battle that is almost always sure to come. I know men who were always with their children. These fathers spent so much time with their kids that the few times they ran to the store without the kids everyone always asked “Hey, where are the kids?” Even in cases like this the man has little to no chance of keeping the kids in the case of divorce and often times end up feeling lost after becoming the “Noncustodial Parent”.

Why does the man have less rights when it comes to winning custody in a divorce or breakup? The entire Family Court needs to be overhauled. The decision of who the children go to should be based on who has been the primary caretaker and who will actually take better care of the children and not just the normal decision of the mother winning custody.

Living in a Childless Home

There is absolutely nothing worst then going from kids laughing and yelling in the home to silent whispers of loneliness. It’s one thing to have your kids go to the better parent but when the better parent looses the children because of a very flawed Family Court system there are no words that can comfort him. The pain of not seeing his children or tucking them in every night grows exponentially as the days go by.

In some of the worst cases, the Noncustodial Parent no longer has the luxury to even speak to his child/children whenever he feels and is now at the mercy of the ex who may or may not block the communication as a way to hurt them. Not only does the Noncustodial Parent want to see and talk to the child/children but the child/children also need and want to see and speak to the Noncustodial Parent. With the exception of abuse, no matter how bad the breakup was there should never be a case where the child/children are used as pawns to hurt the other parent.

It is never a good thing when a family splits up, but the hurt that is felt by the child/children and the noncustodial parent runs so much deeper than the custodial parent will ever be able to comprehend. The thing that the custodial parent will never understand is coming home everyday to a lifeless empty house. In essence…

Nothing can explain the “Feelings of Being the Noncustodial Parent” like the joy of everyday being replaced by every other weekend.

Author B.A.M.

What’s Your Password

2

What is it about a person’s password that makes them guard it with their life just to keep it from their spouse? Is there something that they are trying to hide? Is it just the last piece of them that they want to hold sacred and keep to themselves? Is it that they feel they would be giving control over to their spouse if they give them their password? No matter what the reasoning is, the look on the spouses face when their significant other says something like “Hey, what’s Your Password?” is priceless.

The Technology Snoop

Not all password requests are innocent. There are some spouses who are just nosy and want to play computer forensic detectives as they comb through looking for anything suspicious. If they feel that their spouse is not being honest or could be having an extramarital affair then I understand that, I’m not talking about them. The people that I’m referring to are just simply nosy or want to have some control over their spouse and who they are conversing with through technology.

I have heard several women talking (surprisingly not so many men) and some specifically told me that after they asked their man “What’s Your Password?” and he wouldn’t give it to them, they watched him type in his password on his phone or laptop and then logged in when he wasn’t around.

These snoops will spend hours looking for “proof” without knowing what they are trying to prove. Then they find that one email where he says to a woman, that she doesn’t know, “Ok can’t wait to see you tomorrow” and she goes into an immediate uproar pacing back and forth until he comes home and then she pounces…

Her – Who is this Betty Chick?

Him – Who? What are you talking about? And, hello to you too.

Her – Uuuhuhn, you aren’t getting out of this! Why won’t you answer me, who is Betty?

Him – Why?

Her – Why won’t you just answer me?! It doesn’t matter because I caught you! I went through your email and found out you are cheating with her so don’t deny it.

Him – You did what, why you going through my stuff?

Her – Don’t try to flip this on me because you are cheating and got caught.

Him – That’s messed up, I can’t believe you went through my stuff.

Her – That’s right! If I didn’t you would still be getting away with this, you dog!!!

Him – (walking away) Check the date on that email, you dummy. That was someone I dated years before I met you…

Now his trust in her is gone and depending on the man, their relationship may be over. Either way she is wrong and has some serious apologizing to do. There is an old saying, “If you look hard enough for something you will eventually find it” even if it isn’t really what you think it is.

You Only Want It Because They Won’t Give It to You

There are some people who after asking several times “Hey Babe, What’s Your Password?” and after being shot down every time will make it their life’s mission to find out what it is. They are not even desperately trying to find out the password because think their spouse is cheating but just because they were told “no” and they are such control freaks that they can’t accept that answer. They will do anything in their power to try to find out this password just so they can know it. It’s like knowing the password is equivalent to how much their spouse loves them.

This becomes a nagging issue in the relationship which will eventually lead to bigger problems if it is not resolved. If you want your spouse’s password just for the sake of knowing it then you really need to find a hobby to occupy your time. Asking your spouse “What’s Your Password” as a test to see if they will give it to you is setting yourself up for disappointment because 9 times out of 10 you already know that they won’t give it to you.

Babe Let Me See Your Phone

This is another question that once asked will almost always get the response “Why” or “For What”. There are some people who guard their phone better than the security detail at Fort Knox. I mean the phone stays on silent or vibrate so their spouse doesn’t know when they are getting a call. Then there are the people who take their phone with them everywhere they go in the house including the bathroom just so their spouse doesn’t “accidentally” pick it up.

This type of behavior will lead to suspicion and force your spouse to ask you “What’s Your Password” or just sneak it to see what you are hiding. My question to the people who do this is what are you scared of your spouse finding?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking your spouse for their password. In fact my wife and I have the same passwords and I will pick up her phone and log in to check something on the internet if my phone is in another room and she will do the same with mine. She will answer my phone if I’m not by it and I will answer hers if she is away.

Instead of making demands or trying to watch each other type in the password so we could sneak into each other’s account, we actually had a conversation about this topic (I think we talked about this after watching the Tyler Perry movie “Why Did I Get Married Too”). We saw the trouble it was causing others in their relationship and we both agreed that we didn’t see what the big deal was and that we would not succumb to the pettiness. Once again the important fact in all of this is we had a CONVERSATION instead of demanding or sneaking. When it comes to passwords, house work, the kids, or whatever, open communication is the key to having a less stressful and more trusting marriage

Author B.A.M

Divorced and Bitter

6

When I am out in public I hear so many people ranting and raving about how bad their ex treated them and how foul their child’s mother/father is.  I sit there thinking to myself “If this is how you act, no wonder they left you.”  What I really would like to do is smack them in hopes of knocking some sense into them.  I want to tell them “while you are here mad at the ex, they are somewhere chillin’ and you are here “Divorced and Bitter.”

Why Are You So Mad

After speaking to several divorced friends, family, and strangers I have found that most of the time the anger comes from jealousy.  Yup, once again someone read that last sentence and sucked their teeth while saying “I’m not jealous, I don’t want them”, and maybe you don’t want them.  However, could it be that you expected them to fail without you and instead they kept moving forward while you and your anger started backsliding?

Maybe you felt that your ex did you wrong while you were married and feel like they should be in ruins for that, maybe you thought that they couldn’t make it without you or could it be that you are jealous of their new happy life despite your attempts to sabotage them.  Whatever your issue is one thing is certain, while you’re sitting here stewing in your “Divorced and Bitter” soup, your ex is out there living his/her life, not thinking about you.

Oh and don’t let the ex re-marry and become even happier – I’m not even going to write more about that in this article because I know a few people who almost popped a vein in their forehead after reading that line.

Letting Your Kids see You Angry

Letting your kids see you angry with their mother/father in a toxic way is one of the worst things you can do.  Toxic anger toward your ex has the potential to backfire and create resentment towards you when your child gets older and comes their own level of understanding of what is really going on without your bias perspective.  Your hurts may be valid but when it comes to your children it doesn’t matter who divorced who, who cheated on who, or who (fill in the blank) on who, what matters is that you never let the children know you “hate” their mother/father even if you really do.  I have seen a few divorced parents who can’t stand each other and won’t talk to each other unless it is about the children.  These same two parents will sit down and have civilized conversations about the kids and also do things together with the kids without arguing in front of them, unfortunately it is rare but it does happen.  Though these parents may still have unresolved personal issues with each other at least they are finding a way to co-parent without the BS.

Make Room for Happiness

I also know people whose heart is so full of pain and hate towards their ex to the point that they have little to no room for happiness in their lives.  This type of person complains all the time about how life isn’t fair, how their job sucks and then somehow finds a way to blame all of their problems on their ex.  In reality the issue is your bitterness towards your ex which is bleeding into other facets of your life.  I have witnessed relationships dissolve or people lose everything because they could not get over the pain of being “Divorced and Bitter” which caused them not be able to function correctly at their jobs or just in life period.

Somehow you have to find a way to CHOOSE to forgive your ex for whatever wrongs you felt they dealt you.  My wife always says this quote “unforgiveness is like you drinking poison, expecting the other person to die” meaning that your only hurting yourself by holding onto the anger and the stress that is slowly killing you day by day.  Make room in your heart for happiness by forgiving them for whatever it is that is holding you in your stagnate pool of bitterness and watch how your life begins to turn around for the positive.

Time for a not so shameless plug… Click this link to read another article on this site called (Forgiving Your Ex so You Can Move On With the Next) that goes perfectly with this topic.

The point that I am making is that your bitterness is only hurting you.  Your life would function much better if you would take ownership of your issues, learn to let go of the hate and focus more on the positive.  Find a way to enjoy life and instead of being “Divorced and Bitter” you can just be HAPPY!!!

Talking Bad About Your Spouse to Others

6

I think it is crazy when I hear men talk about their spouse and the only words that are coming out of their mouths are negative ones.   When I hear this I always wonder how much of what they are saying is true and how much is to impress the idiots who are feeding into the story.  This is a huge problem with their relationships because instead of “Talking Bad About Your Spouse to Others” they should be talking to their spouse about what is bothering them.

The Akward Dinner

My wife and I were at a dinner party with friends and family and something grabbed our attention and we both started “ear hustling” (being nosey) and could not believe what we were hearing.  We actually looked at each other with that “I can not believe this is happening” look that spouses who are in tune with each other give each other.  Here are some snippets of the conversations from the night.

Idiot #1:  Man I can not stand my wife she really gets on my nerves.

Idiot #2:  Yeah my wife gets on my nerves too.  Any time I go meet up with the fellas she keeps calling to ask me when I am coming home.  Eventually, I get tired of all the calls and just go home.

Idiot #1:  Your wife and mine must be related because my wife does the same thing except she takes it up a notch and will show up where I am, like I am cheating on her or something.  When the truth is, I just do not want to sit in he house and be bored with her.

Not to be outdone, Idiot #2 decides to add some spice to his story.

Idiot #2  Yeah my wife acts like a warden and has to know where I am at at all times.  I think she has a tracker on my phone because I can lie and tell her I am going one place but somehow she will show up at the spot where I really am.

Idiot #1  It is to the point where I do not want to go home.  I  go to a bar or to a friends house just so that I can have some peace before I go home and get barked at about me coming home late and all the things in the house that I am not doing.

Idiot #2  I do the same thing cause I know that the nagging will start before I step out of the car.  This crazy lady will run out the house and meet me in the driveway arguing with me and I have not even said a word.

This back and forth idiotic one upping actually went on for a few hours with the disrespect getting even worst as more empty liquor bottles went into the recycle bin.  During a few times that evening my wife looked at me and said “If you ever talk about me like that I will chop you in the throat!”  I told her you do not have to worry about that because I actually like you.  We discussed the nights events all the way home and could not believe that people would actually spend hours “Talking Bad About Your Spouse to Others.”

Where Did Things Go Wrong

The wife and I talked about this and wondered what would happen if Idiot #1 would actually take his wife out to do something that she wanted to do instead of just brushing her off as being a boring home body.  What if Idiot #2 acted like his marriage was a place that he actually wanted to be a part of instead of treating the marriage like a prison sentence.  We wondered if they actually talked to their spouses about what they would like to do instead of just throwing their relationship in the junk drawer like you would do with a little “Do Hickey” that you found on the floor.

We also wondered how it could get so bad that you do not even want to go home.  Is their spouse that bad or is the spouse acting like that because of the actions of idiot #1 and 2.  Another thing that we wondered was if the spouses even talked TO each other or if they just talked AT one another.

We really like each other

One conclusion that we came to was that we not only love each other but we really like each other.  We refuse to get to a point in our relationship where one of us does not want to come home.  We are constantly communicating with each other and will call or text the other if we are not coming home or stopping by a store after work.  We work on our marriage and do things together that we both enjoy.  We also will do the things that only one of us enjoys but the other one does not.  Basically, if it matters to you, it matters to me.

The most important thing that we both agreed on after leaving that dinner and listening to Idiot #1 and #2 is that, we will always make an effort to talk to each other about the good things and things that may pose a challenge in our relationship so that we do not get caught “Talking Bad About Your Spouse to Others” while we are out with friends

Author: B.A.M

Romance and the Dance

19

The different phases in a relationship can be compared to learning how to dance or learning a new dance. Each involves trust and the “give and take” of figuring out how to flow together as a couple.   When we see a couple that has danced together for years, many times they make dancing together look effortless and easy.   Sometimes the couple looks so smooth that they flow together as if they are one person.  We see the finished product but do we take into consideration the amount of time they took WORKING TOGETHER in order to look so good.  The idea of  “Romance and the Dance” is for you to see how your relationship compares to the process of learning to dance together so that you can flow together effortlessly as ONE in your relationship.

Foxtrot

The Foxtrot is a ballroom dance that is lots of fun and simple to learn…an excellent dance for beginners. The Foxtrot is a smooth dance in which dancers make long, flowing movements across the floor

The Foxtrot reminds me of a man and women meeting for the first time.  He tries to show how smooth he is and attempts to impress her upon meeting for the first time.  The man makes the decision to take the walk (that sometimes seems a lot farther) to the woman just to say a few words like “Excuse me can I talk to you for a minute” in hopes that she smiles and complies.  This is the precursor to the relationship and the “Romance and the Dance”.

Cha Cha

The Cha Cha is one of the most popular of the social Latin-American dances. Lively and flirtatious, the Cha Cha is full of passion and energy.  The Cha Cha is a vibrant, flamboyant and playful dance. The light and bubbly feel of the Cha Cha gives it a unique sense of fun for dancers throughout the world.

The Cha Cha can be compared to the beginning stages of the relationship where both parties are just having fun and seeing where things will go.  This reminds me of two teenagers who stay on the phone until the wee hours of the morning not talking about anything.  These two spend what seems like hours trying to fend off their sleep saying things like “are you sleep?” to which the other replies “I’m sleepy but I’m not sleep.” These budding lovers will hang on the phone listening to each other breath for hours.  Similar to the Cha Cha, during this phase of a relationship there is a lot of learning about each others’ likes, and dislikes as well as if you would like to pursue the relationship further.

The Mambo

The Mambo is one of the most sensual and emotional Latin American ballroom dances. Swaying hip movements, facial expressions, arm movements and holds all add to the sensuality of the dance.

During the Mambo phase of the relationship, many times the couple makes “THE DECISION” or are just drawn by their animal instincts of “sealing the deal”, “making the magic happen”, doing the horizontal mattress Mambo, or … ah you get the point.  This is the first time that the two take their relationship to the next level.  For some this is the make it or break it point due to the importance some people place on the sexual act.  The man is just happy to “get some” while the lady (depending on the performance) may begin planning the next time the act will occur.

A lot of couples move into this phase of their relationship prematurely and have not done “the work” to truly get to know who they are with before the relationship is clouded with the memories of  “the motion of the ocean” or the “horizontal mambo.”  Each party should know that they are “worth the wait” and be willing to do what it takes to insure that both hearts are protected by the security that goes along with a commitment that endures “until death do you part,” which is where you discover the true …”Romance and the Dance.”

The Paso Doble

The Paso Doble is one of the liveliest ballroom dances, originating in southern France. It is modeled after the sound, drama, and movement of the Spanish bullfight.  The Paso Doble is a theatrical Spanish dance. Traditionally, the man is characterized as the matador (bullfighter) and the lady as his cape in the drama of a Spanish bullfight.  Based on Flamenco dancing, the Paso Doble is both arrogant and passionate.

In every relationship there comes a time when there will be a disagreement.  Two passionate people will go back and forth trying to prove their points and sometimes attempt to display their dominance.  Depending on the personalities of the two people involved this could be a “knock down drag out” brawl or just a heated debate.  There are times in your relationship where you may push away from each other and this should be a time of self evaluation and self reflection so that just like in the Paso Doble, you end up passionately back in each others’ arms where you belong.

The Rumba

The Rumba is considered by many to be the most romantic and sensual of all Latin ballroom dances. It is often referred to as the “Grandfather of the Latin dances.  The Rumba is a dance that tells a story of love and passion between a strong, male lover and a coy, teasing woman. Full of sensual movements, the Rumba is considered by many to be the sexiest of the ballroom dances.

The Rumba part of the relationship dance is what takes place after the Paso Doble.  This part of the relationship can be so good that people will start arguments just so that they can apologize after the “Make-up sex”.  Though I am not saying you should start needless arguments, you do get the point.   This can be romantic, sensual and intense all at the same time and if done correctly both parties may over sleep the next morning.  Once again you have found the “Romance and the Dance.”

The Tango

The Tango is one of the most fascinating of all ballroom dances. This sensual ballroom dance originated in South America in the early twentieth century.  Tango is usually performed by a man and a woman, expressing an element of romance in their synchronized movements.

The Tango is the next step in the relationship and is the happy time when the two become one and make the plunge to be married.  After being married for a while, the couple makes the decision to start a family.  This is usually a great time in the relationship.  It is filled with a lot of love making and anticipation.  Once a new baby is added to the mix, things can become stressful if the couple does not remember to take the moments to “get it in!”  Learn to embrace the sharp turn of the new space that your relationship is in and enjoy the ride!

The Viennese Waltz

The Viennese Waltz is a quick rotating ballroom dance with a subtle rise and fall. It is considered by most to be one of the most difficult dances to learn. The simple and elegant rotational movement characterizes the Viennese Waltz.  A waltzing couple rotates around the floor, revolving gracefully around each other. The Viennese Waltz is a quick, rotating dance, much faster-paced than the classic, slow Waltz.

The Viennese Waltz reminds me of the organized chaos of being parents.  Many couples often times try to balance between their home life, work life, and being parents only to frantically dance around the house and their lives like chickens with their heads cut off.  At times the two are able to flow together and run things like a well oiled machine and other times they mindlessly move about the next 18 years bumping into sports, dance recitals, and hopefully ending with college.  During this phase the couple must  purposefully remember the passion that they have for each other.  Be deliberate to plan intimate time together.  Steal small moments of time together after the kids go to sleep/before they wake up because after the kids go away to school it is just the two of you and it can a should be an exciting time.  The best thing you could do for your children is have a great marriage.

The Waltz

The Waltz is one of the smoothest ballroom dances. It is a progressive dance marked by long, flowing movements, continuous turns, and “rise and fall.” The dance is so graceful and elegant; Waltz dancers appear to glide around the floor with almost no effort.

The Waltz reminds me of the Golden years.  Not necessarily old age but just the joys of the last kid leaving the house.  This time can start off slow with both parents not knowing what to do with all of their newly found free time.  This slow pace usually picks up after a while and then the couple learns to “let the good times roll.”  The parents begin to remember how much fun they use to have and begin to look for the good times again.  Somehow these two elderly people regain the energy that they may have lost over the years and begin to have fun and enjoy each other wholeheartedly again.  This is where they again find the “Romance and the Dance.”

Author B.A.M

The Dance descriptions were taking from http://dance.about.com/od/partnerdancestyles/tp/Ballroom_Dances.htm

You Want Me to Sign a Prenup

14

In today’s “get in and get out quick” mentality it seems like a lot of people are falling into the destructive cycle of getting married and soon after divorced.  To me it seems like people have lost sight of what being married is and are not willing to put the work in to have a happy successful marriage.  I believe that a lot of times the trouble starts with planning for the divorce before you get married.  One clue to let you know that your soon to be spouse is upset and feels that you may not trust them or may not be in it for the long haul is if you hear them say something like, “You Want Me to Sign a Prenup.”

Protecting Your Assets

I know there are times when a multimillionaire will marry a barely thousandaire (yup I know that’s not a word but you get the point) and will always have the question in the back of their mind as to whether their soon to be spouse wants them for the upgrade to their lifestyle or if they truly love them.  In this case, if you have that question floating around in your head then why are you getting married?  If you can’t honestly say that they are in love with you and not for what you can do for them financially, then, don’t get married.  In cases like this, there should be a clause in the prenup that states if you do something wrong or want to terminate the marriage though your spouse didn’t cheat or do anything malicious, then they are entitled to “X”.  This type of prenup protects both and takes some of the power away from the one who makes most of the money.

Now let’s just say that you are 100% sure that your soon to be spouse is in love with you and not the upgrade to their social status that you can provide them.  Wouldn’t it be easier to discuss the financial concerns while talking about other lifestyle changes that are soon to come?  You can talk about finances and in this case it is OK to come up with a legal document that has what the two of you discussed in it, which I don’t have a problem with.  I have a problem when a person just throws a document from their lawyer at their future spouse and just says sign it without any previous discussions.  Don’t hide behind your lawyer because you are insecure about your spouse’s love for you and don’t get upset when your soon to be spouse responds with “You Want Me to Sign a Prenup?”

Once Divorced Twice Shy

Now for the case of two thousandaires where one of them has been divorced and was taken to the cleaners by the judge with alimony.  I have heard of people who make just over 100K a year paying $2000 a month for alimony, which in my opinion makes it almost impossible for them to live off of the remainder.  It also gives their ex-spouse a reason to not work to their full potential but I digress.  In this situation the person is so gun shy about marrying again because of all the hard work that they put in only to see about a third of their monthly salary going to an ex who is not using it to better themselves.  This person will constantly be thinking, “If it happened before then it can happen again” and now they are stuck with a love decision, is the risk worth the reward?

I know a few people who were divorced, had to pay a lot of alimony, but later found someone that they thought was worth the risk and planned on marrying but only with a prenup agreement in place.  The funny thing about this is, even though you make a few more dollars than your thousandaire counterpart they actually bring home more money than you because you are giving away about a third of your salary every month to your ex.  In situations like this, the divorced person is still holding onto past hurt and thinking that it may happen again so they try to plan for an “In case this happens again” exit plan which will have their soon to be spouse laughing while saying “You Want Me to Sign a Prenup?  Why plan for failure instead of planning for success?

Security Blanket

As stated above, there are times when a prenup is put in place to protect the assets of the one who has a lot more to lose than their future spouse.  For the most part, most of the people wanting a prenup only get them as a “get out of jail free card.”  This causes a problem during the marriage because (whether they know it or not) it stops some people from putting in 100% into the marriage and going above and beyond to ensure that they have a successful marriage.  When there is a prenup in place and the going gets tough the protected spouse many times will get going.

To me a prenup hurts a marriage more than it protects the individuals involved.  A prenup brings laziness into a marriage. In a society of “get in and get out quick” it does more damage than if there was no prenup in place.  When issues arise in the marriage the person with the “security blanket” in place sits there sucking their thumb while holding it over their spouse’s head many times selfishly refusing to put the effort into working on issues that have risen in their marriage.  This leaves the spouse without the “security blanket” thinking, I knew this would happen when you said “You Want Me to Sign a Prenup!”

Is a prenup used to hold power over your spouse?

Is having a prenup protection or an easy exit strategy?

Do you think a prenup is already planning for the marriage to fail?

Why not have a “We won’t get divorced agreement” (with certain contingencies like cheating and all kinds of abuses) instead of a “When we get divorced” plan?

Initiate Healthy Conversations With Your Spouse

24

The mistake a lot of people make is saying the first unthoughtful thing that pops in their head at the wrong time.  When you initiate a sensitive topic with rudeness and at the wrong time you will never get the response that you are looking for.  Instead, try to “Initiate Healthy Conversations With Your Spouse.”   There are a lot of healthy benefits that could come from this, you may not only resolve what you thought was a problem, you could end up having a great and productive discussion that builds your marriage instead of tearing it down.   Either way, you probably will not have to worry about a NEW problem because you started off the conversation with a bad attitude.

Once again I have come across another video from our friends John and Portia Scott at InvestnMarriage and felt compelled to share it.  This video goes along with the article that was written on BallnChainz about Effective Communication (Click this link Look at Me When I’m Talking to You – Effective Communication to read ).  My wife and I watched their video and agreed with it 100% and both said “We need to share this”.  Also don’t forget to visit The Scotts on Facebook at www.facebook.com/investnmarriage

So check out the link below to hear some great advice on “Initiate Healthy Conversations With Your Spouse”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa33IaehXhI

 

Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship

11

There are some women out there that like to act as if they don’t care about being in relationships or dating.  They have built up a wall that they feel will keep them from getting hurt, unaware that they are playing directly into the male player’s hand.  These type of women have started saying to men that they are not looking for a relationship and are the type of ”Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship”.

Why Would He Respect You Now

Ladies, when you say to a man that you are not looking for a relationship and want to keep things casual; you are giving him the green light to treat you with all kinds of disrespect throughout your “Casual Relationship”.  Those words are music to a “player’s” ears.

Her:  I’m not looking for a relationship; let’s just keep things casual for now.

Him:  Thinking… Yes, Jackpot so I can hang out with you, eventually sleep with you and not give up my other women or I can go find another woman.

Him:  Okay, if that’s what you want.

Ladies, what you don’t understand is that you just dismissed all of the effort that he was going to put into getting to know you and possibly build something serious with you, and said it is okay for him to just see you as a “play thing.”  In his mind he can put the minimum amount of work towards you and only do just enough to get you to trust him until you give up the sex.  You may not realize it but from the time you  used the word “casual”, you became his “drive by” woman that he will stop by to see every now and then, have sex with, and then get back on the road to someone or something that he feels is more worth his time (Click this link because… Now you are stuck Waiting On a Relationship That May Never Happen ).  When you tell a man that you are a “Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship” you have lost your worth in his eyes and will never gain back the respect that a man would have had if he was made to work for your affection.

It’s Not Cheating

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, lady pump your breaks!  Why are you mad that your friend told you (or you found out on your own) that your “casual friend” was out to dinner and kissing on another woman.  What gives you the right to get upset with him when you gave him permission to do whatever it is he wants to do?  What did you think a “casual relationship” was?  Just because you caught feelings doesn’t mean he has.  Also, don’t think that you will turn this casual relationship into a “Real Relationship”.  Why would he have respect for you now, when you already told him with your casualness that he didn’t have to respect you?

This man has his cake and is enjoying eating it without any repercussions thanks to you being a “Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship”.  He is living the life at your expense because someone else has hurt you and you decided that the way to not get hurt again is to not get into another relationship.  (Whispering)  Hey guess what?  A casual relationship is still a relationship and while you’re running to nowhere fast you are still being hurt by this person and you gave them permission to hurt you.  Truth is, 9 times out of 10 times the “Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship” is going to catch feelings for him because he is showing her just enough attention to keep his drive by sex partner somewhat happy.

Why Can’t You Come By

You have been in this “Casual Relationship” for a while now but you are starting to see a lot less of your casual male counterpart.  You may call, but he won’t answer.  You may text, and he may not respond until hours later.  He may even make an appearance at your doorstep, but won’t stay long and may not even sleep with you because he is in a rush.  You can ask him if he has met someone else that he is spending all the time that use to be yours.  He may tell you the truth harshly to put an end to your questioning.

Yes, he has found someone that he respects and he is now leaving you behind for the relationship that this lady requires.  You see when he first approached you; it was with the respect of you being a lady that he would have liked to get to know better.  Once you told him you were a “Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship” you became his “play thing.”  Now he is no longer playing a game with a hurt childish woman, but is looking to build a relationship with his new lady.

What some women don’t realize is that once you give him permission to be CASUAL he will do just that. A man will do what he is allowed to get away with and by you telling him that you are a “Woman Wanting a Casual Relationship” you have lost 99.99% of a chance of turning what you two don’t have into a real relationship.  Ladies please demand the respect that you deserve from these men and stop letting them get away with treating you any ole kinda way!   If he won’t treat you right then find someone who will.  If you are hurt from a past relationship then don’t give another guy permission to treat you wrong, wait until you’re ready and give him permission to love you right.   Ladies, know your worth!

Ladies/men have you ever been in a casual relationship? If so please leave a comment letting us know how it work out for you.  Whether you have or haven’t been in a casual relationship feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts on this article.

Author B.A.M

Men Should Not Ask for Child Support

8

I have been saying for a long time now that the child support guidelines should be modified (click this link to read 5 Course Child Support Meal and the Check Please).  All of the double standard comments about Sherri Shepherd’s divorce that I am reading over the internet just solidified that I am correct.  There is a shared common theme that keeps being repeated by a lot of women who are mad about this situation which is, “Men Should Not Ask for Child Support”

He is Less Than a Man

As I read through many articles that have followed this couple’s break up, most of the comments are negative.  All I could think is, why is this different?  Even more importantly, why do these women think that “He is Less Than a Man” for asking for child support?

Correct me if I am wrong, but, if he does get custody of the child and she makes more money than him, why shouldn’t he ask for child support?  When it is flipped around the other way, it is expected that the woman asks for child support and when a few women don’t go after support they are looked at as stupid for not taking their ex to the cleaners (but I digress).

Once again correct me if I am wrong, but, what makes a man is not the fact that he doesn’t make as much as his celebrity wife, but how he treats her, his family, and to state the obvious his male anatomy.  You can’t take away his manhood because he is asking for child support (which is what most women would do in his situation).  Let’s say he gets custody of the child and her support is enough for him to sit at home watching TV and eating Bon Bons a’ la Peggy Bundy, that doesn’t make him less of a man, it makes him lazy but he is still a man.

When women have children by celebrities (sometime as a trap) and they are collecting more than enough to live off of so that they don’t have to work you hear these same women celebrating instead of complaining.  None of the negative comments that I read seem to be a good reason to explain why “Men Should Not Ask for Child Support”

Why is He Trying to Take Her Hard Earned Money

Could that be why he is going after custody, just so he can get her money… Maybe!  But we don’t know this to be true.  If he is doing this just to get money, does that make him a horrible father?  No, it just makes him a money greedy person just like a lot of the women who take their celebrity baby’s father to court so they can get up to $50,000 a month (that is the most I have heard of but that number may be higher).   Why weren’t these same women complaining when someone of their same gender got a huge payday from their ex/baby’s father.

Yes, maybe she is the bread winner but one of the biggest problems with marriage today is the separation of funds/accounts.  What happened to being a team and the money that is earned being put in a joint account?  If you live with financial separations, often times that may lead to other things like marital separation.  During a marriage there should be ours and there needs to be a joint account (in my humble opinion). Why do some women have the mentality that what he makes is ours but what she makes is hers.  “Why is He Trying to Take Her Hard Earned Money”, well in this case he can’t because she had a prenup.  The fact that she makes more money than him is still not a great reason why “Men Should Not Ask for Child Support”; it actually helps his claim if he is awarded custody.

He Just Wants a Free Ride

Him wanting a free ride may be true, but how is this different than the women who go out and stalk athletes and poke holes in the condoms so that they can get their “free ride” and big old slice of the American pie.  For the women who have a problem with a man getting support from a women because she makes more, I would like to know if you would have a problem with a women getting support from that same man if the roles were reversed?

Now maybe in some far off bizzaro world there are a bunch of women constantly complaining about other women taking advantage of the system and misusing child support for their own greedy little needs.  But here in the good ole U.S. of A, besides my wife I have only heard of 2 other women who share this thought.

As I stated before, maybe her husband is looking for a free ride but that is not what this article is addressing.  What is being addressed is the need to revamp the child support laws.  If more celebrity ex-husbands (or just regular ex-husbands) would ask for and receive support a lot of these selfish and double standard loving women would yell louder about how unfair this is to women. Think about it, if more women make a big stink about having trouble keeping their houses, having to move in with their parents because they can’t afford to pay their bill do to the obscene amount of support that they are paying the lawmakers may be forced to do a much needed overhaul of the entire child support system.

The Questions No One are Asking

The most important thing that is getting “swept under the rug and is more crucial than the revamping of the child support laws or who will get custody, is what caused the breakdown in their marriage in the first place and how can we help other couples from falling down the same rabbit hole.   Did the two of them have sufficient pre-marital counseling?  How good was their communication with one another?  Can this marriage still be saved?  Was the will for money stronger than their love?  To me these are the critical items that never get talked about.

We do not know and maybe will never know the answers to these questions, but just like you go to the dentist to get your teeth checked for preventive maintenance, the same thing has to be done with your marriage/relationship to build/keep a strong foundation.  So to all the ladies that are complaining and saying things like “Men Should Not Ask for Child Support”, you need to stop worrying about the people you are reading about and answer the questions mentioned in this section with regards to your marriage/relationship.

Author B.A.M

I Want a Divorce!….. I Think?

3

This weekend the wife and I had the pleasure of attending a great marriage investment summit called Because Your Worth It .  The presenters were John and Portia Scott and I have to admit that I was pleasantly surpised by there knowledge and the great and funny way that they presented their material.  The presentation was so good that the wife and I (and a few other friends) asked them to come back and possibly make it a weekend marriage retreat.  We also joined them for dinner where we received some more of their great jewels of wisdom while sharing stories over a great meal.

The Scotts can be found on Facebook at www.facebook.com/investnmarriage where they share more of their wisdom and they also answer questions in a video blog on youtube.  The question that they are answering in the video below is from a subscriber.  Make sure you check out the rest of their videos on Youtube and remember to subscribe to their Facebook page.

I Want a Divorce!….. I Think?