So often a lot of couples problems stem from the fact that they don’t want to relinquish their so called freedom by giving 100% to their marriage. They feel that they can come and go as they please and spend money without letting their spouse know. They don’t communicate anything with their spouse that they feel will make them lose some power in the relationship. It is these kinds people who are “Married with a Single Mentality.” They don’t respect their spouse or marriage enough to see that the problems in their marriage start with them.
Separate Bank Accounts
We had some friends (all married) at our house the other day and we got on the subject of couples not having a joint bank account. We shared stories of people we know (without using any names) who feel that they shouldn’t have a joint account. Some of the reasons that came up for not having a joint account are because they make more money than their spouse, they can’t trust their spouse with money, or because they don’t want their spouse to know how much they make. Each one of the stories ended in divorce or was heading towards that direction. Could this be a coincidence? Maybe? Are there couples without joint accounts that have long lasting marriages? Yes, but for the most part these marriages usually end badly.
The thing is, if you do not have a joint account how can you consider your marriage a true union when the two of you are still living separately while under the same roof. If the reason you don’t have a joint account is because you make more money than your spouse and you feel that they shouldn’t benefit from your career then you are not only selfish but you shouldn’t have married them because you are creating trust issues where there shouldn’t be any. What happened to married couples working towards a common goal so they can achieve better things together? If you don’t trust your spouse to share an account with them simply because you earn more than them then it may eventually even out financially once you get divorced and have to pay alimony to the spouse who makes less. Then you won’t be “Married With a Single Mentality”, you will be broke and single with a bitter divorced person’s mentality.
Hanging With Your Single Friends
When you’re married you can’t do all the things that your single friends do. Hanging out all night while your spouse is sitting at home wondering when you will come home is not okay. Not answering your phone when your spouse calls because you are worried that your friends will tease you about your spouse keeping tabs on you is not okay. If you have ever answered the question “Are you going to call your spouse and let them know…” with “NO, THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW MY BUSINESS” then you have no idea what a real marriage is. Making decisions without letting your spouse know is a prideful reaction to you being insecure about who you are in your marriage.
Having too much pride and worrying about what your single friends say may eventually lead to your soon-to-be ex’s lawyer stripping you of not only your pride but putting you back in the same “Single” status that your single friends are trying to get out of. You are so busy being “Married With a Single Mentality” that you miss the fact that your friends are jealous of you and wish that they had a spouse like yours to go home to everyday. Your single friends wish they could stay home with someone who loves them for a movie night and some couch time instead of going out trying to find what you already have. Your single friends wish that they had someone to call to share good and bad news with who won’t judge them but will be there to comfort or help them celebrate. If you keep hanging with your single friends like this, they will eventually get married while your going through your divorce. Then you will be the single one that no one has time for anymore because they learned from your mistakes and choose to spend their time with their family.
Everyone Wants to Feel Needed
Making your spouse feel as if you don’t need them is just wrong no matter how you slice it. I have heard some people say that they don’t need their spouse because they make more money than them. While the spouse that they are complaining about does other things like taking care of the children the majority of the time and taking care of the household all while working their 40 hrs a week to make up for their smaller income or because you feel those tasks are beneath you.
The problem is that one spouse doesn’t appreciate all the hard work that the other spouse (who makes less money) is doing. There is more to a marriage then just finances or who makes more than the other. This should not be a competition or a way of punishing your husband/wife. To me this is the equivalent of the men, back in the day, not appreciating the stay-at-home mother and looking down on their “housework” as not being “real work.” You can’t be married and not appreciate your spouse and expect them to keep taking your crap. A person who doesn’t feel appreciated will eventually start searching for approval and appreciation from other sources and they will not only find it but they will leave you for another person and live that happy life that they once looked to have with you.
In a marriage there shouldn’t be any “mine or yours”, there should only be “ours” and both of you should be putting 100% into the marriage. If you feel that you are better than your spouse then your marriage will not last. If you feel that you shouldn’t check in with your spouse just to say “Hey I am about to…” then you will eventually be checking in with your attorney to finalize the terms of your divorce. Finally, if you don’t appreciate your spouse then you better believe that they will find that appreciation somewhere outside the home with someone who deserves all that they bring to the table. Being “Married With a Single Mentality” will eventually lead to you being single and regretful while wishing you could have held on to what you once had.