Relationships

Marriage Takes Work but Shouldn’t Feel Like a Job

Marriage Takes Work but Shouldn’t Feel Like a Job
Jubair and Tyanna

My spouse and I always get asked the question “So how is marriage treating you?” to which we both respond, “it’s fine” or “great” or “no complaints”…  This happens when we are together or separate.  Then there are others who offer us advice about how to handle arguments and say stuff like “Don’t worry every married couple has arguments you just need to… (Insert advice on handling arguments here).  We just sit there with blank looks on our faces because believe it or not we have never had a real argument.  Last week we were talking about this and she asked how I felt about all of the people that say that marriage is hard work.   I responded “Marriage Takes Work but Shouldn’t Feel like a Job” then we looked at each other, smiled, and both said “That’s the next article that should be written”.

Yes My Spouse Gets On My Nerves

Here is a scenario that really “Burns my britches” LOL (I have been waiting to use that one).  I’m downstairs on the couch with the remote in hand, laid back and sunk in the couch to the perfect “butt to cushion” ratio and I hear from upstairs:

Her – (yelling from the bed) – Jubair!

Me – Yeah?

Her – Can you come here?

Me – For what?

Her – I want to ask you something?

Me – What?

Her – Can you just come here?

Me – Can’t you just call me?

Her – Can you just come here?

Me –  After kicking my legs in the air like a kid having a tantrum which causes me to lose my perfect “butt to cushion ratio” so I finally get up and slowly walk up the stairs, open the room door and say – Yes?

Her – Look at this (to which I sometimes want to say “You called me up here for this?”) but most of the time I say something like “OK, yes that’s nice” but I guess my face says “You called me up here for this?” We end up continuing to talk about whatever it was and then I eventually make my way back downstairs but never can find the “butt to cushion” ratio again for the rest of the night.

Now in all fairness, she’ll come down to see me from time to time to show/tell me whatever it is that she wanted me to know.  The point of this is that sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do in order to keep the happy home.  Me getting up is not a big deal except for the fact that I am lazy.  My choices are don’t get up and possibly get into an argument or a long conversation on why it shouldn’t be a big deal for me to get up or get up and take a few minutes away from perfect “butt to cushion ratio” to see what she is so excited about showing/telling me.  Me, not losing my perfect “butt to cushion ration” (yes I had to say it again) is not worth having an unhappy spouse.  Now there are times when I won’t get up but that depends on the situation.  As long as we continue working towards a common goal and better communication we will continue to be fine.  “Marriage does takes work but shouldn’t feel like a job” so I am constantly working on me so that there can be a happier we.

Yes I Get On My Spouses’ Nerves

I know that it is hard to believe but there may be times where I get on my spouses’ nerves.  I can be stubborn and I know that gets on her nerves so I work on that but what I think gets on her nerves the most is my lack of a lot of words during conversations.  I am straight and to the point and she needs more words to get her point across.  So I tend to hurry her up or try to finish her sentences (by finish I mean cut her off to shorten the conversation).  I know this pisses her off because she will stop talking, scrunch her perfectly manicured eyebrows (maybe that compliment will keep us argument free once she reads this… LOL) together and cut me off with “What was I going to say?” or “That’s not what I was going to say”, or the worst one “Are you done, can I finish now?”

Oh wait, another thing that I do that gets on her nerves is, try to rush her in the mall or store (I can see a bunch of ladies now shaking their head and pointing to the monitor saying “Amen”).  I am the first to admit that I have negative infinite patience when it comes to shopping and most times I would rather pluck every eyelash that I have and then go stand outside in a swarm of gnats.  Whoever invented the mall has earned a lifelong enemy in me and that goes for all of their off spring too… but I digress… (If you’re new to this site, I just like saying that)…  I turn into a 5 year old, pouting and throwing tantrums cause Men, say it with me) “I’m ready to go.”  After I eat my pretzel and/or Cinnabon I feel that it is “time to go.”  I know this is selfish but I asked you to leave me home (or sometimes you trick me).  Rushing her while she is shopping (or just looking at stuff from store to store) makes me want to yell out “Buy something already so we can go.”

As much as I hate the mall and shopping in general, sometimes I go and I indulge her with “Oh yeah that’s nice” or “Yes that shade of pink is much nicer than the other 4 (even though I can’t see the difference)”.  For me shopping is like having a job at a skunk de-scenting factory but I do this because I love her and shopping makes her happy even if she goes to 20 stores and doesn’t buy anything, she is happy.  I don’t know why but shopping with me makes her even happier.

But What Did You Do

Here is another scenario that could have been blown completely out of proportion.  This weekend the spouse and I were in a store.  She asked me to go and get toilet paper and paper towels.  As I was walking away she yells out “Don’t forget to get the select a size ones” to which I grunt, nod, and keep on going.  I’m the type of shopper that will remember that “we need” stuff as I’m walking so I pick up a few more items (that are on sale) then get the toilet tissue and paper towels.  In the paper towel/tissue isle I start scanning for sale signs.  I get to the first set of paper towels and look at the picture to see if it shows perforated (meaning select a size).  Nope, so I move on to the next and once again nope so on to the next sale item and to my internal happiness I see the picture that I was looking for so I quickly chuck them in the cart.  Next I go to the toilet tissue section and find a good name brand that had pockets and softness and all that other good stuff. But most importantly it was on sale so I chuck them in the cart and think that’s it we are outta here.

I get back to the spouse and she sees the paper towels and those perfectly manicured eyebrows 🙂 almost touch followed by “Why did you get these, I like …” (insert your name brand here).  As she is taking them out and walking up the isle I get my smart comment in.  “Well you should have just said you wanted that brand, all you said was you wanted some with select a size”.  So she goes and gets the other name brand that she likes and as she is putting them in the cart she realizes that the toilet tissue isn’t “the ones” that she likes.  Now her eyebrows almost touching aren’t as cute as she says again louder “Why did you get these, I like …” (insert your name brand her).

I said then “Why did you send me to get them, next time you can go get them yourself.” Then I followed that with “see I can’t shop with you, I’m never going shopping with you again!” (Remember I told you when it comes to shopping, I turn into a 5 year old… don’t judge me). Then she said “That is a little extreme” and we finished our next few minutes of shopping “TALKING”.  She wasn’t aware of her eyebrows and tone of voice and I wasn’t aware of my little fit.  This was a misunderstanding that could have been blown up into a full on argument, but because we are constantly working on our communication we were laughing a few minutes later.

One of the most important things that we say about our marriage is that we both want it to work so; we discuss things all the time.  If I say something that can be taken multiple ways she will ask me exactly what did you mean when you said that, because she doesn’t want to take what I said the wrong way.  If she does something I don’t like we talk about it and every single time her actions weren’t meant in the bad way that I could have taken them.  Basically, we try not to jump to conclusions when it comes to the other person and we are constantly working on our communication and us.

We both believe that in order for a marriage to be healthy and work, sometimes you both will have to compromise and do things that you don’t like to do.   We will take a small sacrifice that makes each other happy over being stubborn and bickering over nonsense any day.  Remember, if you’re willing to do the work your marriage will never feel like a job.

Author:  Jubair and Tyanna

View Comments (53)

53 Comments

  1. Pingback: Praising the Behavior You Want From Your Spouse | BallNChainz

  2. Lenie

    03/23/2014 at 2:51 PM

    I love your post. You tell it as it is in such a fun way. You have a good chance of making it to the golden anniversary.
    Lenie

    • ballnchainz

      03/23/2014 at 3:10 PM

      Thank you Lenie, I see us making it to the golden anniversary as well even if we are to old to celebrate it LOL.

  3. Maxwell Ivey

    03/23/2014 at 3:28 PM

    Okay, you obviously have a gal marriage and it sounds like a successful one too. I am blind and have told previous girl friends that subtlety is dangerous with most men but down right useless win a blind one. yet i often have found myself in arguments caused by missing some sign i was supposed to notice. I also get a laugh out of women who read my profile online and the first thing they ask for is my email address so they can send me pictures of themselves. glad to see you did manage to avoid the big fight at either of the stores. My roll is to hold a purse so this wouldn’t have happened with me. I once went shopping with a cousin for some reason i don’t remember and at one point had to get down on the floor and stretch out my knee. so women and most men definitely have different ideas about shopping. looking forward to your next post. hope you get the brownie points for mentioning her eyebrows. take care, Max

    • ballnchainz

      03/23/2014 at 4:32 PM

      Max, I think what you were saying is that I am a man married to a woman… yes.. and yes we are having success and get a long great. We both do not like to argue and would rather take a minute to think about a situation then discuss it instead of jumping to a conclusions. you are correct about woman and men having different ideas about shopping.. I absolutely hate shopping and she loves it.

  4. Beth Niebuhr

    03/23/2014 at 4:19 PM

    We all have our own methods for minimizing differences of opinion. Neither of us insists on the other going along on errands that we don’t enjoy.

    • ballnchainz

      03/23/2014 at 4:34 PM

      Beth, what ever works for a couple when it comes to minimizing differences of opinions. The key is to know what works for you.

  5. Jacqueline Gum (Jacquie)

    03/23/2014 at 5:14 PM

    Hilarious..as usual! I think with all the humor you mix into the marriage, you have a better than average chance of making it. That and the idea that you are both committed…in the same page about the whole idea of commitment is crucial. But I love that you laugh together

    • ballnchainz

      03/24/2014 at 2:07 PM

      Thanks Jacqeline.. Yes we are committed and we both want the marriage to work so we work on ourselves and we work on our relationship. We do a whole lot of laughing together. Thanks for the great comment.

  6. Christina

    03/24/2014 at 12:35 AM

    Yay for taking the time to communicate, listen, and understand what the intent of the message is.

    • ballnchainz

      03/24/2014 at 7:04 AM

      Thanks Christina, to us communication is key So we are constantly trying to improve in that area

  7. Kumar Gauraw

    03/24/2014 at 12:45 AM

    My mentor asked me once, “Kumar, whose responsibility is it to mak your marriage a happy one?”
    My answer was, “Both of us 50-50”
    He said, “Wrong answer! It is 100% your responsibility. The day you take 50% responsibility, you are ready to blame 50% on your partner and you are setting yourself up for failure. Learn to take responsibility Kumar!”

    And that’s it. That’s my short answer. It is not a job. It is a commitment, a great one. A challenging one but at the same time, it’s a lot of fun 🙂

    Thanks for sharing!

    • ballnchainz

      03/28/2014 at 4:12 PM

      I don’t know why this was sent to spam. I agree with you 100% is the way to go. Thanks for the great comment

  8. A.K.ANdrew

    03/24/2014 at 11:15 AM

    Great post. It is definitely a question of give and take, but sometimes just the little things make us explode. Typically that happens for me if I’ve bottled things up as w go along rather than being straightforward.

    • ballnchainz

      03/24/2014 at 2:06 PM

      Each person and each couple has to know what works best for them. Give and take is the way to go

  9. Susanna Duffy

    03/24/2014 at 8:33 PM

    Let’s be realistic. It’s pretty well impossible to live with another human being. You need lots of patience and yes, it’s work. The easiest thing is – Love helps

    • ballnchainz

      03/24/2014 at 9:17 PM

      Love definitely helps. and your right, living with another human can be hard but if the two of you sommunicate and constanly work on your relationship then things would be so much easier. thanks for the comment

  10. ¨Paul Graham

    03/24/2014 at 9:10 PM

    Excellent advice. When one is really committed to anything work seldom feels like a job. Well said

    • ballnchainz

      03/24/2014 at 9:19 PM

      thanks Paul and you are correct. It is always nice when work does not feel like a job and that goes for relationshonships as well.

  11. Welli

    03/25/2014 at 2:32 AM

    Lol Jay. Butt to cushion ratio? That is a skill. Very constructive insights you lay out here and I agree that not all hard work is a job, but only if you actually enjoy what you are doing. I remember being in music recording years back and working through the night to record a song or two. It was hard work but never didi it feel like a job as I loved it. So it is about loving the marriage and enjoying it despite the arguments and annoyances. We are human after all.

    • ballnchainz

      03/25/2014 at 7:17 AM

      If you love what you do or who you are with then you will pour the extra work in to succeed and it won’t feel like a job. Lol thanks for the great comment

  12. Sandy

    03/25/2014 at 8:19 AM

    Loved the ‘butt to cushion ration” I agree, marriage ( or any relationship for that matter) shouldn’t be viewed as a job. I believe that a relationship is all about compromise 🙂 that and just wanting to keep the peace lol

    • ballnchainz

      03/25/2014 at 11:35 AM

      Lol..wanting to keep the peace is crucial… were always say who wants to be in a marriage where you don’t want to come home.

  13. Susan Cooper

    03/25/2014 at 10:54 AM

    I love this and laughed out loud a number of times. Then I thought how true. I’ve been married for 37 years. there were times things were pretty rough and others where things were pretty amazing. The one common denominator is that we care deeply for each other and found a way around what ever issue there was/is. In the end it does take work, but if you love someone, then it truly isn’t a job. 🙂

    • ballnchainz

      03/25/2014 at 11:39 AM

      There is always a way around an issue,but the problem comes when either party is not willing to work towards a solution. If you love someone and your marriage feels like a job then the marriage is pretty much over if things don’t change. Thanks for the great comment

  14. Meredith Wouters

    03/25/2014 at 2:47 PM

    So funny! I had no idea the butt-to-cushion ratio was so tenuous. I will keep that in mind next time I holler at my hubby to come see something. I really like your title – it says it so well.

    • ballnchainz

      03/25/2014 at 5:15 PM

      LOL… yes but to cushion ratio is very important and hard to find again once a wife calls you from it. Thanks for the comment.

  15. Debra Yearwood

    03/25/2014 at 8:15 PM

    I had to laugh, every time my husband and I go shopping at some point he’ll be three aisles ahead of me complaining about how slow I am and I’ll complain about the brands he chose yet we do the groceries together every week. In fact, this week we took our 16 year old son and 13 year old daughter…think about that for a minute. You know what, we laughed the entire time we were out and yes, I was about three aisles behind with everyone and running back and forth the whole time. The point is, we learn to work with each others idiosyncrasies. Great post.

    • ballnchainz

      03/25/2014 at 8:55 PM

      Thanks… yes knowing how each other will react in situations is one of the keys to successful relationships as long as you use your powers for good.

  16. Crystal Ross

    03/25/2014 at 9:17 PM

    My husband says it should not be work either. We have our disagreements but at the end of the day we are best friends. I say if it feels like a job that is a bad sign. lol Great article!

    • ballnchainz

      03/25/2014 at 9:34 PM

      That is true… it is a bad sign if your relationship feels like a job but you always have to work on it and yourself. Thanks for the comment

  17. Niekka McDonald

    03/25/2014 at 9:55 PM

    LMAO at this post! Compromising is definitely at key point in a relationship. Its not always about you. I like how you have driving that point home.

    • ballnchainz

      03/26/2014 at 6:52 AM

      Thanks Niekka, and you are right it is not always about you but it’s a shame that so many selfish people are in relationships and refuse to compromise.

  18. Karen

    03/25/2014 at 10:26 PM

    Funny stuff, but true for so many couples. My man and I have been married for almost 22 years, both of us married twice before. We like to think that we learned a lot from our failed marriages, and have perfected the art of marriage on this go round. I figured out a long time ago that it doesn’t matter how the towels are folded. When we first got together, he started doing my laundry. I did not like the way he folded towels, so I refolded them the first two times. He told me on the second time, that if I was not happy with the way he folded towels, then he would let me do the laundry. I have never refolded them again, and he has been doing the laundry now since before we were married. Let some things go, if they are not important.

    • ballnchainz

      03/26/2014 at 4:59 AM

      Lol. You are correct, you have to pick your battles. Congrats on the successful marriage.

  19. Regina Partain

    03/26/2014 at 5:38 AM

    Great post. My husband and I will celebrate our 44th anniversary this year. Marriage is work, but I agree, it shouldn’t feel like a job. One thing that is very important to learn in the very beginning is that you have to be committed not only to each other, but to the relationship itself. Sounds like you are doing well on that front. I too write about happy marriages, and my current series is entitled “How to Bullet Proof Your Marriage”. Keep up the good work, it sounds like the two of your are doing great.

    • ballnchainz

      03/26/2014 at 6:56 AM

      Thanks Regina, the sad truth is that some people are only committed to one of the two. Either they are committed to each other or the relationship but not both. Thanks for the great comment.

  20. Jennifer Thornberry

    03/26/2014 at 11:06 AM

    “I am constantly working on me so that there can be a happier we.”
    This is my favorite line of the whole post. I think it’s so true. You have to work on yourself constantly, and within the context of keeping the marriage happy. I like your perspective that sometimes, you have to walk across the house to see what your spouse wants. Or sigh and be patient when he or she interrupts your concentration (as mine is guilty of doing).

    I like your title, too. Marriage is work, but it should be the most fun and rewarding work you ever do!

    • ballnchainz

      03/26/2014 at 12:02 PM

      Thanks Jennifer for the great comment. We both work on ourselves and discuss things about our marriage all the time so that can constantly improve it.

  21. Jason B

    03/26/2014 at 3:29 PM

    Excellent post. I’m not married but I can see why it shouldn’t feel like a job. Some jobs suck. Relationships shouldn’t.

    • ballnchainz

      03/27/2014 at 6:50 AM

      Lol.. exactly

  22. Archie de Lara

    03/27/2014 at 6:04 AM

    Sometimes it’s a bit sad that some marriages don’t work out well.
    The points and issues here taken so lightly that I guess, can make a marriage work very well.

  23. andleeb

    03/27/2014 at 12:50 PM

    I really enjoyed your post and the scenario that you have mentioned when you were called … I am exactly in same situation sitting on sofa… that you described….
    Well I think it happens with everyone … some try to inquire about married life , our experiences and some try to suggest … I am happy for both of you and I feel over the years you are reading each other mind as both of you decided this as your blog topic…
    It is all about give and take and try to understand the difference .. we have to give room to each other to adjust.,…. I have learned a lot for your post …
    Thanks for sharing a nice post.

    • ballnchainz

      03/27/2014 at 1:11 PM

      Thanks for the great comment. Toy are correct, it is a ask able give and take.the problem happens when one does more taking than giving.

  24. Kire Sdyor

    03/28/2014 at 9:14 AM

    Marriage is not “like”, it is work… but why can’t you love your work? Work is not a 4 letter word (although technically it is 4 letters).

  25. Jen Weaver

    03/28/2014 at 12:35 PM

    Humorous and relatable! So much of our small troubles can be traced back to laziness or a lack of communication. An entertaining reminder!

    • ballnchainz

      03/28/2014 at 1:48 PM

      Thanks Jen, you are correct cause laziness had gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past..

  26. Lisa

    03/28/2014 at 8:29 PM

    I couldn’t agree more! If your relationship feels like a job or a chore then something is wrong, but if you expect everything in your relationship to go your way and not to have to work a bit at it then something is still wrong. And ya, never ever say out loud “You made me get up for THIS?”. But you can think it all you want. 🙂

    • ballnchainz

      03/29/2014 at 10:56 AM

      yeah i might have said that out loud a few times in my life. thank you for the comment

  27. Mike Priestley

    03/29/2014 at 5:05 PM

    Oh man… It’s like you have been living in my house! It’s good to know it is not just my wife who constantly beckons me to her like a family dog. Mike, yes, can you come here a minute? No I’m just in the middle of something. I need you to come here. What for? I just need to say something to you. Can’t you come down here? No I need you to come here…. When you break it down it feels like ” here boy, come here, here boy… Come here boy… ” . Maybe marriage does turn men into family pets?

    • ballnchainz

      03/29/2014 at 6:46 PM

      Lol.. that is hilarious.. good to know that it’s not just me. Thank you for visiting and the great comment..

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Relationships
Jubair and Tyanna
@http://twitter.com/ballnchainz

Ballnchainz is a relationship blog that covers the topics of Marriage, Family, Couples Finances, and Divorce from both the woman and mans point of view in a slightly comedic way.

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