Though no one gets married with the expectation of getting divorced, it happens and it hurts.  Some people will hold onto the hurt and live miserably or just give up on love, while others will do the things necessary to get themselves together and move on.  As a divorced person who chose to move on and live a better life, I’m writing this article to let you know that there is life after divorce.

If you’re reading this and your divorce is still ongoing click this link to read the article “Divorce is only ugly if you make it that way”.

Divorce isn’t fair for anyone involved

The divorce is over and the two of you have to learn to live separate lives.  At this point it doesn’t matter who did what to whom or why.  All that matters is that you can manage your hurt so that you can function as you use to (it took a little while for me to learn this).  The world doesn’t stop because you got divorced and now the most important thing that you can do is come up with a plan on how you are going to PRODUCTIVELY move on.

Don’t go out wasting your time trying to ruin your Ex’s life, because, all of the negativity that you are putting out towards them will just come back into your life.  Instead go out and better yourself because like they say “the best revenge on an ex is to succeed without them”.  You will never have a life after divorce if your emotions are stuck hating your ex.

Why waste time hating someone you’re no longer with

I know so many men and women who cannot stand the sight of their ex and will have a complete change in attitude if they are in the same place as them.  If they get a single glimpse of someone who looks like their ex, then their entire day/night is ruined.  Why would you give up your happiness just because a person that you are no longer with steps into the same party/place as you?

You are in charge of you and your emotions and when you let the sight of an ex change your mood then you are relinquishing the power of your emotions to them.  You are so stuck on the past that you are letting someone you are no longer with to hold you back.  One of the dumbest things that most people do after a divorce is forget that there is life after divorce and if you can forgive your ex you will be able to move forward (This is another article that we have written, click this link “Forgiving your ex so you can move on with your next” to read more).

I’m never getting married again

After my divorce I just knew that I was going to end up as the “old person in the club” because I was not only dead set on not getting married again but I wasn’t even trying to have a relationship (I tried right after the marriage and when that didn’t work I was done).  I was on a break from anything that could remotely turn into something that resembled a relationship.  I would go out with people and once the “R” word (relationship for those who can’t follow) came up, just like Usain Bolt when the gun goes off… I was out.  I wasn’t just a sprinter, I was also a long distance runner and I ran for a while, and was just focusing on working, chilling, and being just happy with me.

I was pretty successful at my job and aged pretty good so I was getting a lot of attention from people of the opposite sex (who have been recently divorce or never married) but I just didn’t want to be bothered.  I wasn’t bitter or mad I really just didn’t want to be bothered with a relationship so I kept running.  After years of running and running from one person to the next, just like Forrest Gump I just stopped and decided it was time to stop running and get back to the person that I was.

I sat down with a friend of mine and when they asked if I was still against relationships I said if it happens then it happens but I’m not going out looking for one.  Then I met someone and started spending more time with them.  A year or so later I sat down with the same friend and they said “things seem to be getting serious would you ever marry them”.  I gave the same response and said if it happens then it happens but I’m not actively thinking about it.  Fast forward six months and I was not only enjoying life after divorce, but I was once again married but this time happily.

Being divorced may have its challenges but, if you’re willing to get out of your own way, things may work out for you.  I’m not saying that you won’t have any other bad relationships but, if you go about things wisely and pay attention to the signs that people are inadvertently showing you, then you will be fine.  There is life after divorce if you’re open to accepting the good heart that may come your way.

Author: B.A.M

23 COMMENTS

  1. What we hate stays with us forever. Therefore, forgiveness better yet understanding, is something we do for ourselves. It’s taken me a lot time to realize this. Personally, I feel quite uncomfortable being in a room with someone who is my ex if it is a social situation as opposed to if it is a business related situation. I agree with you that it’s best not to go out looking for a new relationship and that if it happens, it happens.

    • Yes forgiving others is more of a release for ourselves. I am the opposite of you and can be in the same room with my ex wife work no problemsuch or thoughts about it.

  2. I’m not a believer in forgiveness always begets forgetting when it comes to divorce! And I don’t necessarily think that forgiveness is the key to getting on with your life. I used to wonder why my husband left me…it haunted me for quite a while. He never could actually tell me or a slew of counselors why. Then I woke up one day and it wasn’t my first thought. Pretty soon, I never thought about it at all! That’s when I knew that I had turned the corner…that is was less about me than him. But what I never want to forget are the lessons I learned from that failed long-term marriage. It’s been the source of great growth for me and in a very positive direction…I’m back to believing that I really do deserve to be loved and that feels good. When I think that I could have spent more years with a man who always made me feel like I was undeserving of his love, I realize that he did me the greatest favor by hitting the road.

    • He did do you a favor and congrats on realizing that that it should be about you and not what use to be the two of you or even him. Holding resentment towards him was only hurting you.

  3. Hi Jay. I think that no matter how one approaches it there is a grieving process that is going to take a variable amount of time according to the individual and the circumstances. The fact that it is seldom a quick process is probably necessary in terms of assimilating what went wrong and perhaps modifying some of one own outlook or expectations. It is an important subject with reportedly half of marriages ending in divorce and I think you have addressed it well.

  4. I’ve never been married but this seems like info that a lot of people could use. My parents have been divorced for damn near 20 years. I’m glad it wasn’t a bad one.

  5. I am not an authority on the subject as I have been married for 49 years. My son recently got divorced and I am watching him go through anger. He remarried before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. He hadn’t met the woman yet that he is married to now. I don’t think he could stand to be alone. He seems happy with her. Naturally as a mother I am concerned that he doesn’t get hurt again. When you have children involved it makes the situation tougher to handle. We all make mistakes, but the key is how do you handle it. Living with hate does no one any good.

    • Exactly living with hate actually does more harm to you than the person your hating. Hourly things work out with the new wife.

  6. Hi Jay, I went through a rough time with this and it hung around my neck like a noose for almost 2 years. Was the worst time I can remember. The thing that got me out of it was a trip to Indonesia, a random encounter with the ex, and the peace that came with the realization that I did not want to be with her as much as my memory had led me to believe. Corner turned, onward and upward. I do think everyone goes through some drama and for everyone it takes time, some longer than others. I agree there is life after divorce but sometimes life takes a little while to get itself in order.

    • Yes there is life after divorce. Once thing you said stood out to me. You didn’t want to be with her as much as your memory lead you to believe. I may have to use that for an article in the near future.

  7. Jay, two of your statements really impressed me and they re important for every divorced person:
    1. Don’t waste time trying to ruin your Ex’s life because all of the negativity you are putting out towards them will just come back into your life. That I have seen over and over again and its sad and in the case where there are children it may be devastating.
    2. you were just happy being you. Its hard to be happy with someone else if you can’t be happy just with yourself.
    That you are happy in your relationship comes through in all your posts.
    Lenie

    • Thanks Lenie, yes I am very happy and didn’t know marriage was supposed to be this good. Thanks forthe Great comment

  8. Hi Jay! I have never been divorced but have been in bad break ups. I have always been the girl who would hold on to my anger. However, they live rent-free in your head. That is no fun. I decided to forgive them and I was better for it. Plus, me being all angry and crazy is not cute. lol There is life after break ups and divorces. People eventually heal and move on. Great incite. =)

  9. So well said. I’ve seen friends effectively fall apart after a divorce and end up in a relationship with their Ex that was so acrimonious it made them both sick. If it’s time to go your separate ways then why make yourself miserable?

  10. That’s good advice for all sorts of situations – “get out of your own way”. This makes me think of all sorts of truisms, like never say never and such. The truth is, you just never know what life will throw at you. Glad to hear you’re happy in your marriage now. 🙂

  11. O Jay! i just loved this post! Negativities we spread to others harms us first. So we should try not to indulge in negative activities. Life is too precious to waste in regretting and cursing.
    I am sharing this and please do write such posts to motivate people toward a better life.

  12. Sooo I have been divorced on paper over a year separated over 2yr. I haven been since forgave him, took responsibility where I fell short, learned and moved on. However the ex has yet taken that step and continues to rehashes and regurgitates the past as if it just happened.

    He remains in this space that his adultery I am punishing him, ummm no its called moving on, he definitely needs to try it, Like Now!

    • all you can do is move on. you can’t make your ex move on and all you can do is hope one day that they see the light and realize that they are hurting themselves by holding on to the past. So next time your ex gets crazy on you, killem with kindness and keep being nice to them even when they act like a fool. Once he realizes that he is not getting a rise out of you he may change the way that he comes at you. If he won’t change then you make the additional change in your response to him that may trigger a change in him.

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